I have to get over myself

What plagues me in life apparently also follows me onto the rink; namely, that everyone's thinking bad things about me all the time. That would require that people were thinking about me at all, and to assume that others are thinking about you constantly is a little narcissistic. This works great because I get to beat myself up on two counts; for performing badly, and for being narcissistic and thinking people care so much about my performing badly.

During my lesson today I had a bit less energy than last week, for whatever reason, and found myself exhausted and gasping quite easily. But because I wanted to show an earnest effort, I just pushed through it. My coach keeps a good eye on me and tells me to "take a few seconds" when he sees me getting overly winded, so I think he knows I'm doing my best. I am 33, and though I'm in pretty good shape, it's not like I've been involved in sports or belonged to a gym or run marathons all my life, so this is something new for my body to get used to. I've also never had instruction geared completely towards me, for a full hour. Practices with team-mates, or clinics all are just more intense examples of game situations; i.e. I'm not expending energy constantly for the entire 60 minutes. I've never skated out. So I have no idea what it's like to race up and down the ice at full throttle for a minute straight. But I bet it's somewhat comparable to a sustained attack on net, where I'm constantly flexed in my crouch, moving, dropping, getting up, kicking, moving, pushing, setting up. I think goalies probably expend the same amount of energy, just in shorter bursts, and in a different way.

Man, I got off track there.

But anyway, that was the logical side of my brain talking. No matter that my coach said I've been doing well, I still have this feeling that in the back of his mind he's kind of rolling his eyes and thinking "what do I even do with this one?". Or smirking at me. Most of the time I can just tell that part of my brain to just shut up. But there's another coach who's on the ice at the same time as us, and usually he's done before we are, so he'll help out at the end with drills. I'll call this guy... Johnson. I know Johnson from the league we play in; he shares rotating coaching duties, and runs some of the clinics. He's known as being somewhat of a hardass, as some of my team-mates have had less than positive experiences with him behind the bench. I personally have never had any problem with him, and whenever I play open hockey and he's there, he's always really cool with me, even gives me pointers now and then (he plays D). Johnson's kid never showed up today, so he worked with us a little more than usual. And at one point I was just struggling. Coach was taking shots on me rapid-fire, and he wanted me to go down to block each one, and then get back up, and go down for the next one, etc. It was really taxing and by the last few I was in complete slow-motion. Johnson was just standing there watching and I felt so inadequate. For some reason I really want him to think well of me. What I have to understand is that it doesn't matter what Johnson or anyone else thinks (except maybe my coach)- if they're even thinking anything at all. What matters is the effort I put in and what I get out of it. But I just can't help feeling really small and silly and somewhat ridiculous at times. For all I know, the people who I think are judging me are thinking about that chick they met last night, or that problem they've got at work, or how to get the dog to stop chewing their shoes.

But that's a goalie, right? Always thinking its all about them. ;)

Exploring new territory

On Friday night, a bunch of us went to a different rink than usual for open hockey. The one we'd been going to has canceled open hockey on account of all the school teams that need ice time. I'm all for youth hockey but come on, don't they teach about sharing any more? Argh. Anyway, the end result was that this rink was the only one in the immediate area with any open hockey that night. Fortunately, it wasn't flooded with goalies. In fact, I was the only one. It was, however, flooded with skaters. There were probably about 6 guys on each bench at all times. It didn't seem to be too bad though, because it seemed like the skaters were rotating pretty evenly. I hope everyone got a good amount of ice time.

I had an absolute blast. Besides several of my team-mates, there were a lot of guys there I'd never played with before. Many of them were very, very good. A few had shots so fast they were barely visible. One even plays in the ECHL. Fortunately, I think I had a pretty good game. I made a few of those saves that I have "no business making", and it felt really, really good to rob those guys. One was a glove save on a rebound that I'd initially stopped with my left pad (breakaway) but he got to it and flipped it up but I snatched it right out of the air. Another was a flurry in a forest of skates and legs where I made about four saves and ended up on my stomach before finally smothering it. Both benches erupted in a storm of stick-banging, and I couldn't help the big grin that was on my face.

Oh, I made my share of mistakes, and had my share of bad goals. But I was very glad to know that I could at least keep my head above water and have fun, rather than having that sinking "I don't belong here" feeling. It was a more physical game than I'm used to, and I got bumped around a bit more than usual, but I actually didn't mind it. I will definitely go back next week. It would be really nice if there's only one other goalie there most weeks. I really hate having to take shifts in the net. That probably won't happen, with the other rinks closing down their open hockey, but a goalie can dream...

Sore

I can honestly say I can't remember ever being this sore and stiff. My list of complaints makes it sound like I've been busy doing something other than hockey: groin, thighs, hips, butt. Playing a game at night after a lesson in the morning doesn't take a lot out of me in terms of performance at game time, but all the activity sure leaves its mark the next day. However, I'm sure I'll feel a lot better tomorrow, and the pain is worth it, because it means I'm making progress.

But I'm sore figuratively, too. Once again, I've observed my 24 hour rule. Not because I think I played a bad game, but because I was cranky all day about last night's game in general. Our opponents were the definition of "low class". The highlights of the night were a much larger and stockier opponent blatantly laying out one of my defensemen (technically, defensewoman, but that just sounds dumb), and an opposing forward shooting at the net after a whistle.

In the first instance, Knucklehead and my D-girl were jostling in front of the net. A little physicality, no big deal. Until the puck went out of the zone and she let up, and he decided it would be sportsmanlike and a good idea to hit her high to the back of the neck and head with his forearms. A big hulking brute, he'd been crashing the crease too, and I gave him a good shove just before that. I hope he wasn't taking it out on her. More likely, he's just a grade A toolbox. Both refs get a big fat Bronx cheer for the lack of call on that one.

And then toward the end of the game, a forward came in on a rush, but the whistle blew for a penalty (in our favor! the first all night! imagine that!). She eased up, and then shot on net anyway. As she skated away I gave her an earful, but I don't want to "print" it here.

So, the officiating (or lack of it), the classlessness of the other team, and a few other factors combined to make it a less than stellar game. Fortunately, I personally had a pretty good game, even though we lost by a score of 3-1. The first two goals were power play goals and I believe both on breakaways. The first one went in off my mask, the second deflected off my pad and just barely skidded over the goal line. The third was a shot through traffic that I managed to see just in time- only, I didn't get my left pad down in time and it squeezed through with a hair's width of space. My left leg seems to have a slower reaction time than my right.

But... even though it was a loss, I take away a few positive things from the game. First of all, it was the first game in a long time that I've let in less than 4 goals. For some reason 4 seems to be the magic number. Secondly, I didn't allow any total stinkers or real bad ones, which I have a tendency to do at least once a game lately. And lastly and probably most importantly, I felt really strong and confident, and more comfortable on my feet, and made several good saves, including one flashy one on a breakaway on the other team's "all star".

No more hockey now until Friday night open hockey, when I think I might check out a different rink than usual. But one thing I want to do is look into some conditioning/strengthening exercises I can do at home for my legs. I have two goalie instruction books and a stack of magazines, so I'll start there. A quick email to my coach probably wouldn't hurt either.

And would it kill the Rangers to put the damn puck in the net already? Good lord.

Back in the saddle

My health returned, I went back for Ass-Kickin' Part Two today with my coach. Somehow, even without much ice time at all between the last lesson and this one, I picked up right where we left off and was doing well with the stuff he taught me last time. Today though, we pinpointed an area where I need a lot of work, and will be addressing that more aggressively next week. I had explained to him last time that I learned on concrete, so I have a tendency to dive desperately to the side instead of sliding. That became very apparent this morning while running one drill in particular, so I was glad that he said we'd work on that a lot next week. He showed me a few different ways to recover by sliding to make the next save, now I just have to incorporate it and make it instinct.

But one reason I'm writing is because I don't want to forget one drill we did that I think would be really helpful for me, if the team ever gets ice time for practice like we did as a group several months ago. I would need three other people to work with me, but I think even 10 mintues of this each time we rented ice would make a big improvement. Coach called this a "classic rebound drill". Basically, one person stands with a pile of pucks almost out at the blue line. The other two people are positioned on each side, at the hash marks. The guy with the pucks shoots low, with the idea being that I direct it to one side or another. If there's a rebound more toward the front, the guy on that side goes after it and takes another shot, and keeps shooting until I either cover it, or send it into the corner. I get "points" for putting it where I want it to go (the corner) or covering it, they get points for scoring. The idea is for me to react quickly after the initial save and set up again for the rebound shot, which is something I need a lot of work on, because I'm still trying to use concrete-roller-hockey technique on ice, and I could get there so much quicker and more compact if I make use of ice techniques.

Ok I'm sure everyone's eyes are all glazed over, but because I know a few of my teammates read this, I wanted to get it down before I forgot the details. Hopefully there will be some time in the future where we can run this drill.

Bench chat

I love being a goalie. I have no desire whatsoever to skate out; people say goal is the hardest position in sports, but it seems to me that skaters have so much more to think about and process. I'm not saying it's a piece of cake, but I sure as hell never had any desire to skate out, I like the security of my clearly-marked area of the ice. Part of that, naturally, is that you're not on the bench with the rest of the team and aren't privy to the odd gamut of conversations that goes on. A few times, I've played open hockey when there have been more than two goalies, and at those times I'm on the bench once in a while. I never know what to say to anyone so usually I just stay quiet, and most of the time they're content to ignore me. I'm just a goalie, after all.

But last night I played open hockey (first time on the ice in almost 2 weeks!), and it turned out that there were 4 goalies and only 12 skaters to start with. Since the other goalie on my side started in the net, I was on the bench with the lone sub on the dark team, waiting my turn. We had an interesting conversation:

Him: Some of you goalies should skate out tonight!

Me: Heh. I've never skated out in my life.

Him: Well, there's a first time for everything.

Me: Nah... I think you guys are the crazy ones!

Him (looking at me funny): You know, that's what makes you crazy.

Oh well. I'll take my crazy love of goaltending and be quite happy thank you vurrymuch.

Flaggit

I'll never get my mask airbrushed with a cool design; that's for goalies who are going somewhere. For me to do it would just be a declaration that I have nothing better to spend my money on. But I have wanted one little bit of decoration; a small American flag on the back plate. When I bought my new mask, I asked at the store if they had any, figuring it seems to be a popular thing for goalies to do. They didn't, however, and I was wondering aloud in the locker room one evening where I might come upon one when Senator offered a great suggestion. "Why don't you go to that store that sells all those flags? I'm sure you could find an American flag there. Hell, you could probably even get a Finnish flag and slap it on there too."

My predilection for European hockey is well known amongst my teammates. It's a little odd, I admit, considering I can't watch any of the games, nor do I speak the languages of any of the teams I follow, so media reports are worthless as well. A curiosity about Lundqvist's old team and a friend in Sweden resulted in my following two Swedish teams the year after the lockout, and my interest expanded to teams in Russia, Finland and the Czech Republic. I follow the teams by the scores and the text-based play-by-play sites I've found, and I've actually even found a few video sites to watch the highlights from the Swedish games.

Senator was only kidding, but he did plant an idea in my head, and when I got to the store I ended up purchasing not only an American flag, but a Swedish, Finnish, Czech and Russian one as well. They're quite small, only an inch and a half by one inch, so they aren't overbearing. I put the American one on the back plate where I'd originally planned, as that seems to be the place to put your own country's flag. But I put the Finnish and Swedish flags on one side, down at the bottom of the mask, and the Russian and Czech flags on the other side in the same spot. It has nothing to do with my heritage, as people might assume when they see it, but it's all a tribute to the teams I follow in a very dorky way across the pond.

Stopped in my tracks

You can only demand so much of your body before it cries "uncle". I have a feeling that my Tuesday morning lesson, Tuesday night game, and Wednesday evening go-directly-shopping-for-3-hours-do-not-stop-for-dinner escapade have landed me flat on my back for a few days. The shopping was fun, I came home with a cute Halloween costume, but in retrospect I probably should have come straight home, had dinner, and gone to bed.

Tuesday morning was... a learning experience. Good thing, since that's what I'm paying him for, right? But I meant in more ways than one. Coach kicked my ass from one end of the crease to the other, and he wasn't even demanding much of me. I think I didn't eat enough (or the right things) before the lesson, because I was weak and exhausted, gasping, halfway through. I just pressed on though, determined not to make a fool of myself on the first day. Actually I'm not sure I didn't make a fool of myself.... but that's neither here nor there. I'm still halfway convinced he was laughing at me inside his head. But he did show me a few things that I didn't realize I'd been doing wrong that I picked up on right away. I did ask to stop twice for water and a breather, feeling my face so hot and flushed that it was tingling. Strangely, it took about an hour and a half after I was done with my lesson for my color to go back to normal and my skin not to feel burning hot to the touch. I suspect that should have indicated I wasn't 100% healthy to start with.

Burning cheeks and leg muscles aside, I was back in the crease 15 hours later for the opening game of the fall season. We lost, 6-5, and I felt no ill effects from my early morning workout. In fact, I noticed twice that I did something my coach had taught me, without thinking about it. That had been my biggest concern. I have to re-wire my brain and overcome a year's worth of muscle memory in order to recover with the correct leg after a save. What's interesting, he said, is most kids (that's what he said... "most kids"...) have a dominant side- they'll get up on the wrong leg on one side, but not on the other. Oh, not me. I get up on the wrong leg on BOTH sides. Somehow that doesn't surprise me. What I caught myself doing during the lesson though, was thinking it through... and when I started to get up on the wrong leg I'd correct and go for the other leg- losing valuable fractions of seconds in terms of making a save. So I asked him how to combat that, since I had a game that night. He said not to think- just play my game. He said practice is the time for thinking. Games are the time for just getting in your zone and playing. I took that to heart and thankfully was able to get my game face on no problem. It's just too bad that 2 of the goals that went by me were pretty much my fault, and 1 was the ref's fault for not waving it off for the guy who had me immobilized with his stick across my chest.

I was dying to get to open hockey Friday night and keep testing out some of the things I was taught, but I ended up sick as a dog by Thursday evening. And here I still sit, surrounded by piles of tissues and a nose to put Rudolph to shame. I want nothing more than to play tomorrow night in our 2nd game. But if I'm not feeling well I won't do that to my team; I'll ask the league to find me a sub for that night. But I've got a hot toddy with my name on it, and if my mom's nutty friend is any proof, that'll do the trick and tomorrow I'll wake up feeling better.

Making it official

The NHL season has started, and our fall league starts this week, and I couldn't be more relieved. I actually felt incredibly out of sorts in the last two weeks when my "normal" schedule was turned upside down. Now I'll get back into the rhythm of league games and open hockey, and watching the pros on TV. The lack of clinics scheduled by the rink won't be a problem for me personally, because I've found something better suited to my needs anyway.

I finally got in touch with the goalie instructor I mentioned a while ago, and am signed up for 4 weekly lessons. I requested private lessons, because of my experience with the last guy. (I told him I was a raw beginner, but I ended up in a lesson with a few other guys who were light years ahead of me, and felt that I brought the lesson down too much). The kicker is, the lessons are going to be on weekday mornings, from 6:30 - 7:30. Good lord. But it's just for one month, and hopefully having games later the same night won't be so bad because they're late enough that I have time to take a nap after work.

But I'm nervous. So far all the people I've encountered in teaching roles in hockey have been great. But what if this guy is a jerk? What if he takes a look at me once I get on the ice and thinks "oh my god, where do I even start?". I need so much help on so many things that I couldn't even identify what my weakest area is. Fundamentals. I think I need to learn the technical fundamentals and build on that. Because I really have no idea what I'm doing. I just know that I need to get better and I hope this will help. I read a lot and watch a lot and talk to other goalies, but nothing can take the place of personal, in-person instruction on the ice. It's pricey, but I look at it this way: my hockey is like my gym membership, my shrink, and my social time all rolled into one. A lot of people spend a lot more on all those things combined than I do on hockey. I have a hard time allowing myself to believe I deserve to spend this money on myself, so I have to keep reinforcing that. Hopefully I'll see a benefit from these lessons and it will be easy to justify to myself.