3-in-3... and then some.

I have no games this coming weekend, and nothing next week until Friday. I'm thinking this is a pretty good thing, after my marathon of hockey crammed into 72 hours this past weekend. I had three games scheduled; a QCat game on Saturday and Sunday, and then a Cougar(hawk)s game Monday night.

The QCat games were against the same opponent; a home-and-home.  The first one was at home,and in all honesty was one the whole team would rather forget. We lost by a score of 2-0 but more than that, we played horribly. It was the first game for most of us since the holiday break and boy did it show. It was pretty awful. In fact I've blocked out the goals and can't even remember how they were scored. Probably much better that way.

We headed out to their rink the next night for a rematch, determined to pick up a win. Coach @ramad451 (aka Coach Sparkle) gave a pre-game pep talk, telling us all to just forget the previous game and start fresh, and to remember that we win and lose as a team, and no one person is responsible for any outcome. (People had begun to start taking blame personally for things, and that's never good.). It worked- we went out and played a very sound game, and it was a lot of fun to play because we were so evenly matched with our opponent. So evenly matched in fact, that we ended up with a 1-1 tie. We were all really hoping for an overtime or shootout, but their goalie had pulled something on the last play of the game and wasn't in the best shape, so we just called it. A post-game gathering at the nearby Houlihan's was a perfect cap to the evening.

But what could be better than two nights of hockey in a row? Ding ding ding, you got it, three nights of hockey! The Cougars are still throwing around possible new team names, and the combination of Cougars and Hawks that resulted in "Cawks" was the front runner until Monday. (Actually, in our silliness at Houlihans, @lct29 and @hkygrl12 and I thought "Wicked Cawks" would be even more awesome.) But a teammate who until recently I only knew as "the defenseman with the glasses who pairs up with orange socks guy" offered an alternative. It's so obvious it escaped us. The Cougar Hawks. Thank you, Urban Dictionary dot com.  I don't know if there will actually be a name change, but I think that is pretty fantastic.

And the game itself was pretty damn fantastic as well. Another evenly matched affair, lots of play in both ends, and from what I could tell, everyone really enjoying themselves on the ice and on the bench. And I think I probably had one of my best games ever. It's too bad it ended in a 1-0 loss, but I am pretty proud of how I played. And how I felt. It's all coming together now, the confidence is back, there's even a little bit of swagger poking through. I felt unstoppable out there. And I almost was. Almost. The one goal I allowed was a wierd scramble after a first and second save; I'm pretty sure I had it frozen, but the ref didn't blow the whistle and I think somehow one of my own teammates got it away from me. I don't really know what happened, as I was down on the ice in a forest of legs and skates and sticks, and suddenly I didn't have the puck anymore and it was headed straight to a wide open opponent. Argh. Chalking that one up to a collective brain fart. Other than that, we played great. We had a few breakaways, and it was great to see Senator48 with one. I know he's been feeling very much like I have in terms of not being able to contribute much to the team. So when he went flying up the ice and dished it off at the last second to another guy, I had a big grin on my face. Unfortunately it didn't result in a goal, but you can tell from the way things are going that this is a solid team. I'm very much looking forward to the rest of the season.

I didn't count shots in that game, but I'd estimate about 40. So when I came off the ice I was pretty exhausted, from that game and also from the cumulative effect of the two before that. I walked into the designated women's locker room, really looking forward to a nice cold beer, and saw that Gionta182 was there getting ready for her game, which was next on the schedule. I was barely three steps into the locker room before she told me her goalie was sick and asked if I could play. I was already exhausted but what was I going to do? Leave them goalie-less while I sat outside and drank beer and ate cupcakes? Absolutely not an option. (If it had been a bunch of strangers, I don't think I'd have agreed. But I couldn't do that to my buddy). I consented, but warned her that I didn't think I'd be much good, this being the 4th game in 3 days.

When we do tournaments, 4 games in 3 days is nothing. But when we do tournaments, we also have a few hours in between games to relax and recharge. I gobbled a couple of Starburst for the sugar, refilled my water bottle, and was back out on the ice. At first it seemed like it would be just fine; there was an early flurry of shots on which I made some really good saves, including a save on a shot on a rebound off my forehead. But that's where it ended. I just had absolutely nothing left in me. At all. I've never been that tired on the ice. The first period wasn't too bad (2-2 at the end) but after that everything unravelled. To be fair, the team didn't play very well in front of me either, by their own admission. But after standing on my head in a 1-0 game, to allow 11 goals (ouch, yes I said 11) was like a hockey bitchslap. We even had the same refs we had my game right before it. They must have wondered where the hell the Jekyll & Hyde routine came from. I felt absolutely awful, and apologized to everyone. I'd say about half of the goals were on me due to complete exhaustion and not moving as quickly as I usually do, or being off in my angle slightly, but the other half were back-doors, or screens, or just bad coverage. So I'm trying really hard not to take the double-digit to heart. We all decided that game didn't count against my save percentage, since it wasn't my actual team. I can live with that.

GoalieHusband and I went to the diner afterwards with Gionta182 and other Cougar(hawk) who had stuck around for the second game. It was after 2a.m. by the time we left, which put us at home at 2:45. Yesterday was pretty rough for both of us, and I think the only reason we managed to stay awake for the Ranger game last night was because of the pure awesomeness of the game itself (and mostly the awesomeness of the goalies. Savegasms everywhere!).

Practice tonight.... I'm tired just thinking about it. But I don't care, because everything is awesome right now. Yay hockey. <3

Too good to be true?

I'm almost afraid to come here and write another post about how great I feel and how it seems like the pieces are falling into place, but they are. And other people are noticing. A few nights ago, the Hawks got their 2nd win in the season, which is pretty much over. I think we have 3 games left? Not only that, but it was a 4-2 win. A 4-2 win that was 4-1 until 50 seconds left in the game. The first goal came early in the first period; a penalty shot by their best guy. That last one was a shortie, and everyone got a bit lazy on that one. Myself included; although my D apologized to me, I really felt like I should have had it. It was a breakaway for God's sake, just me and the other guy. The goalie definitely has the advantage there.

But regardless, we won, and I only had two goals against! Pretty awesome right? I can't really take much credit for it though, it was really quite the offensive effort, even on the part of the defense. I honestly didn't even feel like I had that many shots, but after the game when I said "thanks" to one of the refs, he said "you played great, you had a lot of shots". So who knows. What's important is we all played our TAILS off, and got the win. And I felt great and still do.

I also further cemented my about-face in terms of what exactly I'm going to be doing next season. I had an opportunity to fill in for an instructional league scrimmage at the last minute, and it was pretty interesting. I got the email from Gionta182 yesterday afternoon; there was going to be a scrimmage (with refs) and a goalie was needed. Naturally I accepted. I'm not too clear on the situation but one chick told me while we were getting changed that the other team was supposed to play a regularly scheduled game, but their opponent couldn't come because there was a death and lots of players weren't going to make it. I hope to God it wasn't the death of an actual player. Not sure what that's all about. But I got the impression that they put the call out to get some skaters and a goalie to scrimmage against so as not to lose the ice time.

I thought there were going to be two goalies, but when we all hit the ice, there was the blue team, and the hodge-podge white team (which Gionta182 was a part of), and neither had a goalie. Since the white team was Gionta182's, I started on that side, but I'd told the other guys I'd split my time. Well, Gionta182 wasn't too happy about that. She protested, saying if I really was an asshole, I'd just stay on her side. I tried to bait her, asking if she didn't want to try to score on me.... BITCH??!? Hahaha. Her teammate appreciated that. That's when she said "No... I actually want to have a chance to score. You're like Marty in there." Now who's baiting who? I think Maaaaarttyyyyy probably dropped dead wherever he was. What, me? A butterfly goalie? Compared to him? THE HORROR!!!! Ahhh rivalries.

But I got off track. What was interesting about the experience was that I felt like a fish out of water. While the white team had it together, the blue team was giving me fits. I had no idea what to expect from their shots, and consequently was beaten on two I would have normally stopped. I think I had too much time to think. And now, after thinking for a bit, I definitely don't think we belong in Instructional. It seems like that's the general consensus of the others who were thinking about leaving as well, so I don't think I have much crow to eat. Really, when all is said and done, I just want to stay with my team. I think a big part of the problem was my confidence, and I am starting to get that back now. Hopefully I haven't just completely damned myself writing a post like this. I'm on a mission now. I think open hockey holds the key. The more I get myself out there, the better I feel, the better I play. I guess I'll just have to sleep when I'm dead.

Now Leaving: Funkytown

I smell like a locker room, my hair is plastered to my head, and yet I'm sitting here blogging instead of taking a shower, because I just can't wipe the perma-grin off my face. Open hockey on Saturday morning was awesome. But open hockey today? Off the friggin charts. Myself included. It was Ringleader's group today, along with half the Russian Federation, and I can't figure out what it is about those guys, but they always bring my game way up. It's got to be something besides just their talent level and speed. There are other times that I play open hockey with guys as good and fast as they are, but it's not the same. There's something about this group that kicks the goalieness into overdrive. Maybe it's the intensity. That's the only thing I can come up with at the moment, as I sit here basking in hockey afterglow.

I did allow a few crappy goals, but thankfully they were outnumbered by my surprisingly good saves. Even a few stick-banging-hollering-on-the-bench saves. Yeah, I'll take that and keep it in my back pocket, thank you. I also got some praise from a guy who I don't think gives it out too often. He's one of the Russian guys, and "stern" just doesn't come close to describing his natural facial expression. You know that scene in Miracle, right before the game against the Soviets, when Herb Brooks passes the Soviet coach & team, and nods and says hi to them and just gets cold stares? That's how this guy reads. He plays D, and takes the game very seriously, and I think he was a little pissed off with me on Saturday. I played on his end for the first 20 minutes, and either wasn't awake or wasn't warmed up, because I was pretty crappy. (Fortunately I got right into the zone after that). But today, I got not one, but two "good save"s and a tap on the pads. Whoa.

So I think I might finally be climbing out of my deep dark funk. And I apologize for all the moping lately, because I guess that doesn't make for very interesting reading. But it's honest, and this is my blog. I credit several things; the persistence to push through it, working out, and getting my ass to these open hockey sessions. Some pep talks from @winnipegmac didn't hurt either. ;) I feel good again, I feel strong, I feel confident. I'm challenging more. GoalieBrain is back. Next Hawks game is tomorrow night. Let's get us a win, boys.

What Took Ya So Long?

Two posts ago I mentioned that I felt a subtle shift in my game, and that I hoped GoalieBrain wasn't far behind. I think someone finally woke the bitch up, because we had a game Sunday night, and I was in the zone. Really in the zone. So much so that two direct shots to the middle of the forehead, and being completely flattened two times couldn't knock me out of it. Did we win? No. Another loss, but hallelujah, this one was "only" 5-3. That might be my lowest goals against in about 2 seasons in this league. And yet again, we mounted a comeback; at one point we were down 5-0.

Originally, I was unsure I'd even play this game. GH and I were off on a camping trip for the three days before the game, and I wasn't sure I'd be in the best shape after that. But then I came to my senses. Of course I was going to play, hello what was I thinking? And I'm glad I did. That game was another brick in the re-forming wall of my confidence. I'm feeling better about everything; my game, the team, even the league situation. Getting my mojo back (even if it's only partly back, that's better than nothing!) sort of cleared my head a little, and now I'm not so sure moving to the Instructional League is the answer. Add to that the fact that the rink is actually - finally - taking some steps to clean that league up and make it more how it is supposed to be, and I'm almost 180* from where I was a few weeks ago. We may not completely fit in our league the way it is now, but I really don't think we belong in the Instructional League either, especially if they're trying to get that whole thing sorted out.

So, lots to chew on. And Saturday morning open hockey is starting up this week, which I'm really looking forward to. I haven't been able to go on Friday mornings like I used to, and I really miss it. I think doing drop-ins regularly will help keep me on the upward climb. I sure hope so, because I was pretty miserable for a while there. It feels good to be looking forward to ice times again.

Practice, Competition, Body Language, and Muscle Memory

It's almost tourney time again, folks! And since we're hosting this one, I'm extra excited. Hopefully it won't rain on our BBQ on Saturday. That would suck. We had two extra ice slots that we didn't use during the season, so we're using them for practices to get ready. We had one last week, and have one again tonight. Last week's practice went well; I was suitably wiped afterwards. Gionta182 had a couple of nice goals on me, but I got some good saves on her too. I have to be more patient on breakaways. I also had trouble with another player, who kept putting it past me glove side. *Mental note: don't keep going down so early dammit.

We scrimmaged for a bit at the end of practice, and after about 10 minutes I could see the girls were getting really gassed, so I suggested a shootout. (That's when Gionta182 got one of her nice ones. Dammit.) We ran through several shooters, and then the zamboni doors opened and people started heading off the ice. I was following suit when I heard someone yell "GOALIE!" I looked up and there at the red line with the pucks was "Slick". I cracked a big grin.

Slick and I have a fun little competition going. I'm not even sure she realizes it, but being the competitor she is, I think she probably does. She plays for the C team, and is very, very good. She's the kind of forward I actually watch and admire, the way she makes it look so effortless. Quite some time ago, Hkygrl12's men's team scrimmaged against the C team and invited me to play. It was during that game that I stopped her several times (much to my surprise actually), and kept her off the scoreboard. We've run into each other once or twice since then and it's always fun to see if I can match up to her level. For some reason, I usually do. It's my own little private feather in my cap. (Not so private anymore- HI INTERNET!!!) All of that as lead-up to explain why I kicked into "bring it!" gear when looked up and saw that it was her at the red line, challenging me. She tried some fancy Marty St. Louis move on me, and I stopped her, just barely. The puck bounced and went under my pad and for a minute I thought it went in, but it didn't. Sweet.

I got another chance last night when the Hawks faced the MedWings, who she's played for a few times. Unfortunately she scored on me once (a sweet little back door tap-in from the top of the crease off a quick pass from just above the goal line... grrrr), but I did get a really nice save on her in the 3rd period. It was a high point to an otherwise somewhat frustrating game. We lost 7-6, but in the "silver lining" department, we battled back from a 7-2 deficit to get there.

I have one issue that's kind of been brewing and I had intended to handle it myself, but it didn't work out that way. I have one D-man, and now his partner is picking up the habit, who slams his stick after every goal. Used to be just once in a while. Now it's every goal he's on the ice for. I know in my rational head that he's probably mostly pissed about a mistake he made or thinks he made, but that is really poor sportsmanship and sends the wrong message to me, the team, and the other team quite frankly. It's the reason I never, ever, bang my stick, no matter how frustrated I am with myself about a goal. (I'll swear a blue streak, but I never bang my stick). So, I planned to mention something to him about it, off the ice, just in passing, not making a big deal about it. But last night after four goals in the first period, and three in the second, I was really starting to heat up. He was on the ice for a good amount of them and slammed his stick every single time. On the final goal, he wasn't out there, but GoalieHusband was, and was right next to me, and I was so worked up he got an earful about it. I think it went something like "why does my fucking D have to fucking bang their fucking stick every fucking goddamn time". Not exactly how I had planned to address it. ;) Evidently he went to the bench and mentioned it to the guy, who said it wasn't personal at all, but hopefully the message got across. I appreciate that he did that for me, but I hope it doesn't look bad that he was "messenger boy".

But that aside... I'm feeling pretty good today, yes even after 7 goals. I felt something click. I don't know why it's taken this long, but I am finally getting my muscle memory back. I was only out for 2 months- some people miss that much time just because of stuff that needs to be done at home or with/for the kids, etc, and come back with no more than just a little rust. But in the third period, I felt a subtle shift in my muscles and my movement. I know this sounds silly, but I felt it. Hopefully GoalieBrain isn't far behind, because she's been in a coma lately. Gotta poke that bitch with a stick and wake her ass up. I have a tournament to play in, let's go, cupcake.

With decision, comes relief

It's so strange. You'd think I'd know myself by now. You'd think I'd realize that when I fight and fight and fight against something, it's usually that thing that I need most to do/accept. Maybe my skull is as thick as my goalie mask and then some, but after a 12-5 shellacking, it finally sunk in: I do not belong in the league I'm playing in. Neither, quite frankly, does most of my team. So no, this is not going to be a "waaah I suck" post. Trust me, I've given this lots of thought.

A few weeks ago, on the way home from yet another double-digit loss, GoalieHusband hit the nail squarely on the head. We are playing against guys who have a hockey background, who played in high school and possibly in college, who certainly have a lot more experience and coaching than a bunch of passionate idiots who just took the sport up in their 30's, outside on the asphalt. (And I use "idiots" as a term of endearment here.) Because we are nothing if not passionate. And it is that passion, that I think has kept me from admitting to myself what the hockey gods have so desperately been trying to show me. We (GoalieHusband and I- I'm not speaking for the whole team here) need to move down a level.

I've fought against this so vehemently in my mind because the next level down is the Adult Instructional League (AIL), which is where we started when we first switched to ice. Talk about coming back with your tail between your legs. But in the years since we've been in that league, things have changed. It is an instructional league in name only. The league levels at this rink are ridiculously skewed. There are players from the QCats C team playing in the AIL. There are players with probably a lot more hockey experience than me playing in the AIL. Why? Because they have or know they would get smoked in the "Lower D" league. Yeah. The next level up isn't even called D. It's called Lower D. So, if the AIL is truly D, then the Lower D is really more like a C, which means the D level is probably a high C/almost B.

I hope I haven't lost too many people with that alphabet soup. It was my pride that made me balk at going "back down" to the AIL. When in fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that's where I belong - in its current incarnation. When I started this whole journey out, I just assumed that I'd start out a raw beginner and keep progressing and moving up. And I thought that's how everyone looked at it. Now that I'm in the thick of it, I realize it's not like that across the board. I realize that as competitive as I am, as passionately as I pursue this hobby, it has to also be about fun. And I'm not having fun anymore.

Like I said, I know I don't belong at this level, but I'm not shouldering the entire burden and beating myself up over it. I'm trying to be objective. Last night was just a microcosm. I started out playing great. Play was in our zone most of the time and yet we got out of the first period only down 2-0, and got a goal early in the 2nd. I continued playing well, but then everything fell apart. All of us. They scored 7 goals in the 2nd period, and it just got worse from there. I'd prefer to not rehash all of it. I do know that making matters worse was one guy playing down from the level above (he was even wearing his jersey from that team), a show-off guy who even when the score was 9-3 would take it end to end, flip it past me effortlessly, and gloat. Several times.

This is not fun. Losing every night, racking up 8, 9 now even 10 or 12 goals against, regardless of whose "fault" they are (as teammates try to assure me they are not all my "fault"), is not fun. Driving home week after week after games like that sucks. The next day sucks. I'm sick of it. I want it to be fun again, and I think it will be if I get back to where I belong. As I told a friend today, I don't give a shit what the league is called, I just want to have a chance at having a good time. I'm certainly not saying it's 100% about fun and winning doesn't matter- because it does. But losing that badly all the time just sucks.

Of course there's the little monster in the back of my head that whispers to me "You know, they beat that team 5-2 when your sub was in net...." I don't know what happened, but when I was out, the pieces fell together. The team was playing well. Maybe part of the pieces that fell together was having someone else in net. I really don't think he's all that much better than me but the facts speak for themselves. We have the same team now as we did when I was out and they did so well. The only thing different is me being back. I'm sick of feeling like I'm letting my team down.

So where does that leave things? I can't say for 100% certain but I don't think I'll be in this league after this season. And from some comments from some other guys after the game, I don't think GH and I will be the only ones. It sucks. I've loved this team. It's a great bunch. But I can't keep putting myself through this wringer. Whether it truly is just me, or whether it's everyone (with the exception of our 3 top guys), it doesn't matter. All I know is, I woke up today feeling a little bit lighter, and not cranky or brooding over the game, because I realized that I needed to make a change. And change sucks. I hate it. I can't even tell you how much I hate it. I'm going to miss these guys something fierce. But I think I have to do this.

Hockey isn't supposed to hurt this much, dammit.

Never Satisfied

"I can't wait get this brace off my leg!"

"I'll be so much happier when I can do simple things like walk up the stairs!"

"Man, when I can just start working out again..."

"I just want to GET BACK ON THE ICE!"

Yeah, well now I'm on the ice, and I'm doing really well when I'm out there. And I'm still not happy. I want to play real games and I want to play them with my teams, dammit. The QCats season is over and I missed the last practice last night because of some seriously Biblical weather. The Hawks are finally, at long long painful last, clicking as a team and winning games. And if you've read this blog for any amount of time you know that it's been a real struggle at times and we weren't sure we'd be staying in the league just a few months ago.

(What my paranoid brain is telling me is that the reason they're winning is because I'm not there... goals against have gone down exponentially.... I'm told the defense is a lot better than it was, and we're putting up good numbers on the other end of the ice. Still, how's that for a nice goalie mind fuck? But there's no room in GoalieBrain for thoughts like that. Only in parentheses in a blog.)

So once again I'm back in the position of feeling like I'm literally straining at a leash. I want to be back in that net so bad I can feel it in the back of my throat. But the next game for the Hawks is do-or-die in terms of getting into the playoffs, and while I feel I would be strong enough to play, I'm not going to put that kind of mental pressure on myself, or open my team up to that kind of doubt. I'm going to hit at least one open hockey session and see how it goes playing at that speed. And if it goes well, I want that net back.

But for now... it's clinic. Clinic tonight, rented ice on Saturday night, and maybe I'll hit open hockey some weekday other than Friday, which is when the McKaye guys are there. Playing at that speed will be the real test. Still one day at a time over here. Going to stone some forwards tonight, bitches.

/GoalieAngst

PT, Butts, and Balls to the Wall

Running through the peaks and valleys of this injury is providing me some mental cardio, if nothing else. I haven't written because I've been either really down, or really restless and just feeling like I'm on "hold" and waiting for it to be over. There've been a few things I wanted to write about but on the whole, nothing's really going on. But today when I walked out of PT I felt great. It helped that I was able to do something I hadn't been able to do two days ago, and the things that I could do, I was able to do even more of than last time. I finally felt like you know what, maybe this guy is right, maybe I really will be able to do everything I could do before.

Speaking of my physical therapist, I had this weird idea that maybe he wasn't familiar with goalies and what goalies' knees and legs need to be able to do. Maybe it's because I've found it so hard to believe that I'll be "fine" by the time he says I will be, that makes me think he doesn't realize exactly what I need to be able to do. I figured a tactful way to ask would be to ask if he watched hockey, and go from there. I needn't have worried. Turns out he went to school in Buffalo. And had lots of Canadian friends. And that's what they did- watched hockey. The poor guy: when he came back to NJ one of the years the Devils won the Cup he was all excited... and no one around here gave a crap. Man, what a way to lose a fan. Maybe I can get him hooked again.

As good as I felt this morning and as happy with my progress that I have been today, I still have this nagging anxiety. A few days ago someone at work remarked that I looked like I'd lost weight. I scoffed- how could that be, I've been sitting on my ass for 4 weeks? But then it hit me. I have. Lots of muscle, and I've heard somewhere that muscle weighs more than fat. I don't have a scale at home, but my clothes don't lie- all my pants are falling off. That enormous goalie-butt I was so self conscious about? GONE. What the hell? How does that happen? Muscles built up over a period of 5 years just disappear in the span of 6 weeks? Is that even physically possible? How in the world am I going to get back into the net and do anything useful if I'm playing with one decent leg and half an ass?

I know. I know. I still have a lot of work to do. But dammit it's SO FRUSTRATING to see all the work I did do, completely gone to waste. Gah.

But I'm doing something constructive with all this angst. Well, not yet. But I will. Soon. Really. I've been going to my teams' games, which really in retrospect has been a huge mistake, especially the Hawks games. The guy subbing for me is good, and has a wicked glove hand. So I watch from the bench as he flashes the leather and wonder "would I really have had that?". I decided that my time would be much better spent throwing tennis balls against a wall than freezing my (diminished) ass off on the bench and letting doubt creep into my mind. I can not express how much I hate the tennis-ball-off-the-wall thing. Really and truly. It frustrates the everloving shit out of me. But if I want to improve, that is what I have to do. Over and over until I can catch the damn thing more than twice in a row. And then more than three times in a row, and so on until my glove hand becomes slightly less embarrassing.

It really won't take much, just a concerted effort to do it every single day. And how much time can it take? I just drag my feet because I know how bad I suck at it, which pisses me off. The only way around that is through it. Man, sometimes I just want to smack that cheerleader in my head. I hate it when she's right.

The Long Road Ahead

"Next game is Wednesday night and it's a big one. I told Senator as long as nothing's broken/torn in my knee I'm playing."

I really, honestly thought I did nothing more than badly bruise my knee, maybe at the worst, strain something. But Dr. K sent me for an x-ray, and because of the time of day, I had to wait until Monday to get that done. By Monday I was sure I had done something dreadful to my MCL and knew an x-ray wasn't going to reveal anything in that regard, but I had to start there, so I went.

When I saw Dr. K later that afternoon for the results, he walked out of the reception area with a fax in his hand and said "Is broken". I figured he was kidding. "No, really. Is broken." I just stood there saying "Oh my god" and he made me sit down. I guess he didn't want me passing out and breaking anything else. He took me to his office and explained what would happen next; I would pick up my x-rays and bring them to an orthopedist, who would immobilize my leg and give me more information. Oh dear lord. I AM A GOALIE I CAN'T HAVE A FRACTURED KNEECAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was a little dumbfounded so for some reason the next thing I asked him was if I would be able to drive. It's my left knee, but I drive a stick shift. "Ohhh, you have to be fancy! You have to drive clutch!", and launched into a monologue about how the last time he'd driven a stick shift was 30 years ago in Europe... As distraught as I was, I got a kick out of his rambling story-telling, so I asked him where he was from. "Ukraine!" he said proudly. And proceeded to tell me for the next 15 minutes all about being a doctor in the Ukraine, and his personal philosophy on patient care. I almost forgot how upset I was. I could sit and listen to this guy's stories for hours. In fact I think I'll write a separate post about them later. Freakin' gold.

Off to the orthopedist I went. I'm thanking every God and all my lucky stars that a) my kneecap didn't actually break all the way through, which would have required surgery (and much longer recovery) to repair, and b) that they didn't put me in a damn plaster cast. I'm now sporting an incredibly fashionable black-with-scads-of-velcro brace that goes from just above my ankle to my upper thigh. And it's not the kind that bends. My leg has to stay completely straight for four weeks (minimum) to let the bone heal. I am only allowed to take the brace off to shower, or if I want to ice my knee- as long as my leg stays straight. No cheating.

You bet your ass I'm not going to cheat. I'm going to follow his instructions to the letter, because I want to be back on the ice as soon as is safe. I am absolutely devastated that I'll be off the ice for 4 weeks, but what's even worse than that is not knowing how long the rehab process is going to be. Clearly, after not using the muscles in my leg for 4 weeks, they're going to be weak and atrophied and I'm going to need physiotherapy. I swear on everything that's holy, if I have to get on a stationary bike every single day that is what I will do. I will do whatever it takes to build that muscle back up and get back on the ice.

This has seriously rocked my world right now. I know it could be worse, much much worse, and I'm sure in a few days I will be feeling much better. But today, I was absolutely miserable. And it's not just missing hockey I'm having a hard time with. I am a very active person. Hockey, yoga, training off the ice. I've put a good 10 weeks into Maria's Ultimate Goalie Training program and it is absolutely killing me that all that work is going to go to waste and I'm going to have to start all over again, not even from square one, but from an even weaker point than where I was when I started. The thought of losing all this muscle and all this work is driving me nuts. And I am a bendy flexy person. When I sit, I usually have a foot under me, or am even cross-legged (yes, even in a chair). None of that now. I'm going to lose not only all the strength I've gained, but all the flexibility I've worked so hard to achieve with this program.

My only solace is that it's "only" four weeks, and hopefully I won't lose THAT much muscle in that period of time. All I can picture is GoalieHusband's leg after his knee surgery and months in a brace; it was like the leg of a totally different person. Obviously it won't be that bad, because I won't be in the brace as long, but that's what haunts me. Also, since I am in pretty good shape, hopefully I'll bounce back quickly once I start rehabbing.

For now though, it's going to be lots of bench observation. I suppose I might even learn something. But I will be at every single Hawks and QCat game. As much as it will kill me to see someone else in "my net", I need to be around my teams. I'm even going to the drunken brouhaha known as the "Goat Rodeo On Ice" on Friday. I might not be able to play, but I can still have a good time with my buddies. And if I'm around all the time they can't forget whose net that really is out there. Hopefully.

I'll give you nightmares

I'm getting my swagger back. I'm not sure how that's possible losing games 7-1, 12-2 and now most recently 8-2, but I am. I'm feeling strong and powerful on the ice and I'm looking forward to every single outing. I give a lot of credit to the training I've started doing; that really pumps me up and makes me feel strong. Well, afterwards it does. At the time it makes me want to die and almost puke, at least the speed and agility portion of it. I'm loving the other stuff though.

So we had another game last night, and came out with another loss. Maybe I'm just delusional but this isn't frustrating the hell out of me on a personal level. Hell yeah I want to win. Losing sucks. Losing by so much sucks too. But I think it's the overall feeling of the team that makes the difference. There isn't a poisonous atmosphere anymore. Everyone out there is working their tail off, no one's slacking. It's hard to be upset when everyone's giving it their all. I guess we'll probably end up dropping down to the instructional league after this season, which is going to be hard to swing in the GoalieHousehold, but we'll figure something out. Regardless, right now we're still in this league, and yes we're getting killed every night but by HockeyGods, if anyone could get a win for pure balls-out effort it should be us.

I had a little bit of a confidence boosting experience during/after the game as well, which never hurts. During the 2nd period, we were down by I think maybe 4 goals, and there was a breakaway down the left wing. I saw it unfold, I waited... I waited.... and I totally STUFFED the guy. As in he thought he had an easy goal and BAM there I was nice and tight, no rebound thank you very much. That save made me feel great, and having him tap me on the pads between periods and say "great save" made me grin, but it wasn't until after the game that I felt the swagger come back. Right after getting off the ice, I was talking to a friend who'd come to watch the game, and that skater came over to me and said "Man that really was a good save. I'm going to have nightmares tonight because of that."

Six more days 'til I'm back out there again. Trust me, I've got perspective. I may have made a few great saves but at the end of the night we still lost 8-2. But damnit, I'm determined to just keep plugging and get that win.

Navel-gazing, and Ultimate Training

You all love me right now. You don't know you do, but you do. You love me for my "NO POSTING FOR 24 HRS AFTER A BAD GAME!!!!" policy. Because that policy saved you from having to read some really whiny, self-doubting, depressing, melodramatic bitching and moaning about how much I suck. See? Aren't you glad I have that policy? Because I almost broke it. I almost came home from a 7-1 Hawks loss (on the heels of a 3-2 Quarry Cats loss that I beat myself up over too) and posted "Ok you know what this is how I really feel..." Cue spewage.

But I've had a day to brood, which has actually been kind of productive because I've managed to do some decent analyzing. I really think I'm starting to hate the number 7, which used to be a favorite, because that seems to be the magic number in terms of goals against. Disgusting, I know. But, I tried to objectively figure out what was going wrong, and what I came up with was this- it seems like a lot of goals are a result of rebounds going back out in front or weird bounces. And when I say weird bounces I mean it goes in off me. I make the save initially but it bounces off me (arm, glove, poorly angled stick) and into the net. So I know what I need to work on, and am getting some help from the good folks over at the boards on GoalieCrease.net.

That lopsided loss somewhat dampened my excitement over Something Really Cool, or I would have been blogging about that a day ago too. Right before we left for the game I discovered I had won a copy of Ultimate Goalie Training.... the training program I've been coveting since I found out it existed. Huge goalie bear-hugs to Maria, who picked me as one of the winners for the Butterfly Widening Challenge. (I gained 5 inches, in case anyone was wondering. Which doesn't seem like much, but as we have been snickering about on the boards, who doesn't want an extra 5 inches?) The prize was none other than UGT, and I was ecstatic. I've downloaded all the videos and printed all the handbooks (thank you, work, for the use of your color copier... shhhh....) and am kind of overwhelmed by how comprehensive it seems. I have a LOT of reading to do before I even get started. Yes, I'm one of those "read the instructions first" types of people. I want to read through everything, watch all the videos to familiarize myself with the exercises, and map out a plan to get started.

I absolutely love that all this can be done at home and does not require a gym membership. I need to pick up a few simple things (dumb-bells, a bungee, and a mirror so I can make sure my form is right), but I think this is going to be really fantastic. I have to be honest, I'm pretty intimidated. But I need to do this. I need to be disciplined and do this. So if any of you want to harass me from time to time and make sure I'm sticking to my schedule, feel free.

Twelve weeks. Twelve weeks to being a better goalie. I do have to be realistic- due to work and game schedules it might take slightly longer than 12 weeks. But I'm going to do it, and try not to let the schedule get screwed up too much. Yikes. Here goes nothing!

THIS is why I play hockey

Monday morning open hockey was one of those sessions that makes me grin like an idiot behind my mask and just revel in how much I love playing hockey, and love being a goalie. The group of high-skilled guys who end up at our rink every summer when their partially-outdoor rink shuts down was there, as usual. I absolutely love playing with these guys, there's nothing more exhilarating than being in the middle of a really fast, really intense game. It always brings my level of play up a few notches. (Almost always. Sometimes I just flat out suck ass.) Also, it being a holiday, the benches were so full there wasn't room for me to sit on my off-shift. I know the skaters hate that, but I love it, because that means the intensity of the game doesn't wane over the course of the two hours as guys tire out.

The energy level was really high, GoalieHusband was out there with me, and I was kicking ass. So much so that Ringleader even complimented me towards the end of the session. That's high praise- he doesn't throw compliments around. I realized after my first shift what a difference attitude makes. Yes, I know, this is nothing new. I know GoalieBrain already knew this, but sometimes it just takes something to hammer it home once in a while.

On Friday morning, while I was on the bench waiting for my first shift, Ringleader was alerting the other D to one of the opposing forwards. "Don't let him shoot, and if he does, stay out of his way," he warned them. "He's got a pro-quality shot." Naturally, right after he said that, the guy let a blistering wrister loose. Okay, I thought. Duly noted.

Unfortunately, the warning to the D (and seeing evidence right afterwards) had the effect of making me play scared against this guy. I'd see him coming down the wing with the puck and flinch inwardly, thinking "oh shit...", and of course, he scored. Every time. (Well, every time but twice. Once I got lucky and it glanced off my shoulder, and once towards the end of the game I managed to get in front of it and not be killed.) But yesterday was totally different. When I saw this guy was there again, I resolved to specifically play him more aggressively than necessary, to overcome the fact that I was playing way too timidly against him.

It worked like a charm. First shift, the first shot I saw was from this guy. I stepped right up on him and made the save. The D in front of me said "wow! great save!" I was thinking it was a pretty routine save, but the fact that I'd grown some balls was what made it pretty cool. I took another shot from him again soon after, with the same result. I wonder now if that set the tone for the morning, and I played with more confidence because of that. I also had no worries rattling around in my head, for the first time in a little while, so I'm sure that made a difference as well.

Those guys are going back to their other rink soon, and I'm really going to miss playing with them. There's one guy in particular that is just amazing to watch. I didn't even know his name until this week, because everyone simply refers to him as "The Big Russian". Of the several Russians in this group, this guy stands out. He's huge. He looks like a pro out there, not only because of his skill, but because of his size. He's built like a brick shit-house, as GoalieHusband learned this weekend after unwittingly slamming into him and bouncing off like a sack of corn. (And GoalieHusband is pretty big himself). He sometimes wears a practice jersey from a KHL team, so I wouldn't doubt if he was in their system over there at some point. I know it's bordering on goalie sacrilege to be in such awe of a forward, but I could really watch this guy all day.

Oh, and I found out how old Ringleader really is: 57. Wow. I'll be happy if I'm playing for another 5 years. Still playing at 57? That would be awesome.

I have to get over myself

What plagues me in life apparently also follows me onto the rink; namely, that everyone's thinking bad things about me all the time. That would require that people were thinking about me at all, and to assume that others are thinking about you constantly is a little narcissistic. This works great because I get to beat myself up on two counts; for performing badly, and for being narcissistic and thinking people care so much about my performing badly.

During my lesson today I had a bit less energy than last week, for whatever reason, and found myself exhausted and gasping quite easily. But because I wanted to show an earnest effort, I just pushed through it. My coach keeps a good eye on me and tells me to "take a few seconds" when he sees me getting overly winded, so I think he knows I'm doing my best. I am 33, and though I'm in pretty good shape, it's not like I've been involved in sports or belonged to a gym or run marathons all my life, so this is something new for my body to get used to. I've also never had instruction geared completely towards me, for a full hour. Practices with team-mates, or clinics all are just more intense examples of game situations; i.e. I'm not expending energy constantly for the entire 60 minutes. I've never skated out. So I have no idea what it's like to race up and down the ice at full throttle for a minute straight. But I bet it's somewhat comparable to a sustained attack on net, where I'm constantly flexed in my crouch, moving, dropping, getting up, kicking, moving, pushing, setting up. I think goalies probably expend the same amount of energy, just in shorter bursts, and in a different way.

Man, I got off track there.

But anyway, that was the logical side of my brain talking. No matter that my coach said I've been doing well, I still have this feeling that in the back of his mind he's kind of rolling his eyes and thinking "what do I even do with this one?". Or smirking at me. Most of the time I can just tell that part of my brain to just shut up. But there's another coach who's on the ice at the same time as us, and usually he's done before we are, so he'll help out at the end with drills. I'll call this guy... Johnson. I know Johnson from the league we play in; he shares rotating coaching duties, and runs some of the clinics. He's known as being somewhat of a hardass, as some of my team-mates have had less than positive experiences with him behind the bench. I personally have never had any problem with him, and whenever I play open hockey and he's there, he's always really cool with me, even gives me pointers now and then (he plays D). Johnson's kid never showed up today, so he worked with us a little more than usual. And at one point I was just struggling. Coach was taking shots on me rapid-fire, and he wanted me to go down to block each one, and then get back up, and go down for the next one, etc. It was really taxing and by the last few I was in complete slow-motion. Johnson was just standing there watching and I felt so inadequate. For some reason I really want him to think well of me. What I have to understand is that it doesn't matter what Johnson or anyone else thinks (except maybe my coach)- if they're even thinking anything at all. What matters is the effort I put in and what I get out of it. But I just can't help feeling really small and silly and somewhat ridiculous at times. For all I know, the people who I think are judging me are thinking about that chick they met last night, or that problem they've got at work, or how to get the dog to stop chewing their shoes.

But that's a goalie, right? Always thinking its all about them. ;)

Congratulations, dick

I may have made a rule about not posting after a bad game, but there's no rule about not ranting about some asshole at an open hockey session. Make that two assholes. Mark my words, I will never play open hockey at this rink again on a Friday or Saturday night. I love the weekday morning group- I wish my work schedule allowed me to play with them regularly. But the guys who come out on weekend nights? Forget it.

There were several cool guys there tonight, don't get me wrong. But it only took the two dickheads that were there to ruin it for me. Remember open hockey Rule #241? Don't Show Up the Goalie? Yeah, apparently they haven't heard about it. These guys were really, really good. Some of the best stickhandling I've ever seen. Unfortunately they took it upon themselves to play cat-and-mouse games and toy with me. They'd come in on a breakaway and deke me out of my pants. Congratulations, dick. You've been playing hockey your whole life and you scored on a goalie who's been on ice for five months. Hope you feel like a real big man. They also did the same thing that Steve did that first night he showed up that pissed me off so much; they'd skate up and just stop in front of me. A poke-check was pointless, because they were an awful lot quicker with their sticks than I was. Of course it didn't stop me from trying- I'm not going to just give up. When I got fed up I called the other goalie off the bench (there were three tonight, so there was always one extra on the bench) and sat and steamed for a bit. When it came time to get back on the ice, I went to the other net so I didn't have to deal with them shooting on me anymore. One of them left at that point. Coincidence? Probably. But you know me, Paranoid Patty. "He's leaving because he doesn't want to play on the same side as me".

I was apprehensive all day about playing at this rink on this night. Looks like I had reason to be. I can't wait for the fall season of our league to start, and for the other rink to finish repairing the ice, because I sure as hell won't set skate on this rink on a Friday or Saturday night ever again. I don't need to come home feeling lower than worm poop because some jackass needed to make himself feel important.

Required reading

I am a Ranger fan. Have been since I was 13, and will be even if I move to some other place. But I am also a goalie fan(atic), so when Martin Brodeur's book came out, I knew I had to read it. I just didn't want to buy it with my money, so my mom gave it to me for Christmas. I enjoyed the book for the most part, putting away my bias and taking it at face value. But even so, "Marty's" inflated ego kept getting in the way. I give him a lot of credit for the success he's achieved, and recognize that he is one of the best in the world at what he does. I also laud him for negotiating his own contracts, and for taking less money so that the team can afford better players to surround him with. But really, I don't need to be reminded of how great he is for those reasons over and over and over and over again. I also found his constant jibes at the Rangers to be very amusing, and good evidence that we're/they're in his head, big time. He actually penned the words "I hate the Rangers". Does he not realize how much a victory that is for Ranger fans?

But aside from that, I did enjoy the inside look at the goings-on of the league, particularly during the lockout. I also learned something. Yes, this is something my husband and friends have been trying to drill into my head for months, but I guess it takes a guy with 3 Vezinas to bring it home. And that lesson is...

"My mindset has always been to take responsibility for my game and my teammates, but at the same time I have to put my part of the game in perspective. I've always found it interesting that fans will blame a goalie for a certain goal, but if a shooter fans on an open net, that's not viewed as a similarly serious error. That's how I overcome bad goals. I realize I can't put it all on my shoulders. If possible, I want to put myself in a position where I can make the save that makes the difference, because I'm not going to stop them all. The worst thing I can ever do is start doubting myself, or stop believing in what I'm doing. Even in the worst circumstances, I try not to do that."

Ok, you can all stop with the "I told you so's". And to lighten the mood a bit, here is a passage that I found especially amusing. This is in reference to Game 1 of the 2006 playoffs against the Rangers, when toward the end of a 6-1 rout of the Blueshirts, Madden got a hat trick. Devils fans threw hats on the ice, as per tradition, but angry Ranger fans threw the plastic giveaways the arena had given out at the beginning of the game. (Don't tell me no Devils fans at all were throwing them either... come on). Marty's kids were sitting behind his net, and apparently were throwing a lot of the cast-off giveaways that didn't make it to the ice.

"When I saw the boys doing this, it really ticked me off. I skated out of my net and smashed my stick as hard as I could against the end glass, motioning for them to sit down. Jeremy left his seat a few minutes later and found Gen. "I think Daddy is really mad at me," he told her. After the game, I sat down with the boys and told them why I was so mad. I explained to them that by doing what they had done, they were basically acting like Rangers fans. [oh puh-leeeze] "Daddy's working out there," I told them. "And when Daddy's working, he doesn't need to have to discipline his children." Just like any other father, I guess."

Someone please tell me there is footage of this floating around the internet somewhere. That might be almost as good as Norrena "cleaning" the glass in front of the goal judge's face.

There's no moping in hockey

After the past few games and open hockey sessions I was feeling pretty good about myself. Our first playoff game of the summer season was on Monday night, and we faced a team that had tripped, checked and slashed their way to an ugly 5-2 victory over us in our last meeting. One of those goals was a particularly good display of poor sportsmanship; it was an empty-netter, and the shooter stopped in front of the net and took the time to turn around and look at the clock before turning back and slamming it home as if a hard wrister was necessary at that point. So, I can't speak for the whole team but I know several of us were a bit apprehensive, especially since we were going to be short quite a few guys (and one gal).

But somehow we pulled a win out of our asses, and at the final buzzer when the scoreboard read 6-4 in our favor, I felt relief and pride. It didn't really sink in until the next day, but I spent a decent amount of time pretty pleased with myself for playing so well in my last few outings.

Then came last night. Open hockey at the "other" rink, with a pretty light crowd (which translates to some very tired skaters, when there is only one sub on each bench). On a good night there, I am still the worst goalie they have. These guys are way above my skill level and I just do my best. But tonight I had an off night, and it's nowhere more obvious than at that rink. I've gotten pretty good at just shaking off bad goals and plowing through, especially there where there are bound to be so many, but last night they kind of got to me. I think part of that might have been because the two other goalies there were exceptionally good (one I'd never seen before, who turned out to be the rink manager, and one I hadn't seen in a while). The other part might be due to the fact that I caught one guy going easy on me. Whenever I play there I'm horrendous for the first 20 minutes, until I adjust to the speed of their shots. Then I'm just marginally bad. *wink* It was in this adjustment period that I noticed one guy in particular taking real easy shots at me.

During a break, I mentioned it to Goalie Husband and asked what I should do. I could tell the guy wasn't being an ass about it, he was trying to be nice and not break rule #241, but I hated it just the same. Goalie Husband said I should mention it to him. When I said I wasn't sure, he said he'd talk to him for me. In retrospect, I think I should have done it myself. As far as I know, there were no hard feelings, and the guy denied that's what he'd been doing anyway. And I'm sure Goalie Husband approached it in a lighthearted manner. But I think I need to handle my own issues, not have someone be my messenger. (Unless someone's messing with me in the crease. Then I'm happy to have someone 50-75lbs heavier do my dirty work for me, since nothing I can mete out amounts to much).

And then there was the comment in the locker room afterwards. I wasn't there, since I change in a different room for open hockey, but Spidey relayed later that one of the skaters said to him "Your buddy's wife... she makes all these saves she has no business making, and then these real easy ones trickle past her". Yep. That'd be the dreaded 5-hole, which reared it's ugly head last night. Maybe I was tired. Maybe the fact that my right skate kept blowing out on me had something to do with it. But none of that matters because those things could happen in a game and I have to play through them. So what's this about saves I have no business making? Am I just lucky? Or do I maybe know what I'm doing? If I know what I'm doing, why do the easy ones get past me? Saves I have no business making.... ouch. I don't think he meant it the way it sounds... because I did make some saves that were pretty surprising, especially given the saves I didn't make. But it still gives me pause. And more ammunition to just keep getting better.