More growing pains

I've been letting something simmer in the back of my mind for the last month or so, because that is how I make decisions the best. Sleep on it, let it hang out there, get comfy, share some wine with my other thoughts, and eventually an answer will come to me.


I have had a blast in the instructional league. But a few things are pointing to the fact that it might be time for me to try moving up a level. I've been busy avoiding this idea for a while because it means leaving my friends. The idea was first posed to me by my coach. I asked him one morning why it was that I could kick ass in open hockey, and then be just mediocre when I played in my instructional league games. (This was after a particularly frustrating night in the league where I just wasn't myself, and let in a few goals I should have stopped without a problem, and two days before that I'd stood on my head against some really skilled guys in an open hockey match). He told me it was his experience that goalies who play at two different levels actually end up hurting their game in both- that going back and forth takes its toll on your reflexes and your mind. I instantly balked at the idea- I love playing with my friends. And with the insight of a member on a goalie message board I realized that each type of game fulfills different needs for me: the open hockey is good for speed and reacting without thinking, and the league I'm in is good for socializing and can be another form of a challenge. Namely, specifically recognizing that the shots are slower and challenging yourself not to think about each shot, whereas in open hockey I don't have time to think.

So for a while that was fine with me. Each level had different plusses and minuses. But now my coach has mentioned several times that it's time for me to move on. And each time I panic thinking "but I have so much fun and don't want to leave my friends!". Until the last few weeks. A big eye-opener was one game in which I thought I didn't face many shots at all, and actually was kind of bored out there. I later found out I'd turned away 19 of 21 shots, which was a lot more than I'd thought I'd had. And then the next week.... again I found myself bored while on the ice. I want to make it very clear that this is not a criticsm of my team-mates' or opponents skill level at all. (And I don't think I'm hot shit or anything either- I realize I'm the only one out of all of us taking private lessons. If I wasn't getting any better, that would be pretty sad). I think where its coming from is revelling in the speed and intensity of the open hockey games and becoming accustomed to the rush that provides. But I wonder how I can think it's time to move up when I'm certainly not shutting them out by any means (ha ha see the last game, 7-2). I also know for a fact, based on someone else's experience, that if I move up to the next level I'll get lit up every night until I hit that learning curve. And that'll take the fun out of it for a while.


And that's what's keeping me back. I know that if I decided to play in the D league next season, I'd be on a team where I don't know anyone. I'll be changing in the closet by myself again, instead of being a part of the comraderie in the locker room. I'll have to prove myself to the team and work hard to earn their trust and respect. I'm not afraid of having to work hard, but I hate the feeling of wondering if everyone's thinking "oh great... we got stuck with this goalie". Until I can jump the learning curve and prove myself, which I am confident that I can do, it will just take time.


I also was talking to one of the rink employees who used to be in our league and moved up, and he was trying pretty heavily to recruit me to try out for the womens' C team in the fall. The reasons I don't want to do that are for a whole other blog post, but I was flattered that he thought I could handle it. I haven't completely closed that door; I told him I'll see where I am and what I want to do in the fall and maybe I'll try out, but it's not an idea I'm crazy about right now.

So I'm not sure what to do. Between my coach, the uneasy boredom feeling I get now and then, and the fact that some of my team-mates are in fact tossing around the idea of maybe moving up, I think I should give it a try. But there are a lot of reasons to stay where I am as well. Fortunately, I have a while yet before I have to make a decision; our season just started and runs until the middle of June (or somewhere around there). So for now I'll enjoy every minute of it, in terms of the group I'm with. Because they're a great bunch of guys and the main reason I want to stick around. Besides, no one's tapped me on the shoulder and told me it's time for me to move on. (Except my coach. Who seems to have made it his personal mission to get me out of instructional league, given some comments at our last session.) So maybe I'll wait until/if that happens and let the decision get made for me. Though judging by the number of ringers on the opposing team on Tuesday night, no one's policing the skill level all that much anymore.

PS- I just realized this sounds like I'm always shutting them down in open hockey. Not the case at all. Once or twice I've stood on my head but more often I'm just about able to keep my head above water. But it's the fact that I can keep up with them, even just a little bit, that makes me think I might be able to handle the next level after I get my ass handed to me a few times. In no way am I trying to say that I'm on those guys' level (the open hockey guys).