Last year we stayed in a teammate's condo when we were in Florida for Nationals. It's a fantastic arrangement. There's just no way you're not going to have fun when a whole team is crammed into two condo units. One unit had a very large screened-in patio in the back, facing a lake. In the lake there was an alligator. No lie. I saw it myself. This is why no one was allowed to sleep on the patio. There were also, despite all the screens, dozens of geckos running around in the patio, to my complete delight. This was all well and good when we were just hanging out, but as the week wore on we began spreading our equipment out in the sun to dry. Several people were concerned that they'd pack up their gear and get to the rink only to have a gecko pop out of the bag. Or worse, find a gecko corpse in the bag, having been asphyxiated by the hockey stank.
The condos, as great as they were, were unfortunately quite a distance from the rink. It was a roughly 45 minute drive each way, and to amuse ourselves during the commutes, @lct29 (Flipper) and I began composing haikus. This kept us entertained for several car rides, and we still crack up even now when we think about them. Here were our two best:
Oh mini lizard
Stay out of my hockey bag
No dirt naps allowed!
-by me
Governor concerned
Beer supplies dwindling
Liver rest needed!
-by Flipper
The practice of making up haikus stuck, and we still will randomly email them to each other, usually when we are at our most stressed out. Flipper even was on a haiku-a-day streak for quite a while, but both of us had kind of forgotten about them for the last month or so. Until today. In the midst of my harsh return to reality at work, towards the end of another draining day in which I'm expected to continue working when no one knows anything about anything, I got an email from Flipper. She must be having the same kind of day I am, because she chronicled the entire tournament, using haikus. I got her permission to share the joy with all of you:
Game on Friday Night
Decide to hit road early
No slug-Cats on ice!!!!
Cats win the first game
Goalie kicks ass in shoot-out
Friday night curse ends!!!
Sleepy Cats on ice.
BUT Goalie loves the morning!
Hell's Belles fall to Cats.
Second game of day
Cats win a nail biter
See it on You Tube!
New game ritual
Meow mix song with Goalie*
Hey...it really works!
Cats like to party!
But we like to win games more
Early night for most.
Another shut out
Claudia gets a hat trick
The Cats win it all.
*We have a tradition that before the start of each period, we get into a group at the bench, someone yells "Cats on three! 1 - 2- 3 " and we all yell "CATS!" Once in a while as we're skating away someone will add a "meow!" which sometimes sounds suspiciously like "beer!". Well this weekend, I was moved by the Hockey Gods to sing the "Meow Mix" song to Flipper as we skated back to our positions on the ice to start the period. From that point forward, we sang it after every "CATS" chant. I know it was divine inspiration, because we won all our games. So from now on, we must always sing the "Meow Mix" song to each other. It cracks us up to no end, which is probably a good thing. I find myself wondering if it will catch on, and the entire team will start doing it. I think if that happens, the refs will surely find some kind of penalty to give us for making their ears bleed.
Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts
Monday, April 2, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Goalie lexicon, black socks, and furry gloves
Hey guys, guess what it's stream of consciousness night. Meaning, I have no unifying thread but just needed to share these few things with you all. Because I know you're clamoring to find out what's rattling around in my brain.
First up - Goalie Lexicon
Some might think being married to the coach gets you extra perks. Not really. What it really gets you is homework. After Sunday's scrimmage it became evident that not everyone (and by "everyone", I mean "forwards") understands what the heck I'm yelling out there all game long. I know, it came as a shock to me too. Not everyone speaks Goalie. So, GoalieHusband asked me to come up with a list of things I shout on the ice and what they mean, to clear up any possible uncertainty.
You'd think things like "TIME! TIME!" would be pretty obvious, but it was really eye-opening to me to see all the light bulbs go on over people's heads as I ran through the things I yell most frequently on the ice. Good call on GoalieHusband's part, because I had no idea that what made perfect sense to me in my head didn't necessarily translate in a forward's brain.
Next - The Black Sock Effect
For the most part, I'm a big ol' honey badger when it comes to what socks I wear on the ice. Or, I used to be. I'm the goalie, who cares what color I wear, right? But somewhere around the end of last QCats season I got a bug up my ass about having white socks to wear when we wore our home white jerseys. (I have lots of dark colors, but no white). It festered for a while, because I really felt stupid going out to buy socks to match my jersey. I mean, that's like a totally girl thing to do. But eventually it got the best of me and I ordered white socks. I used as my justification the fact that the Cougar(hawk)s also wear white, so I figure between those games and QCat home games I'll get lots of use out of them. I happened to tweet about buying them, and gionta182 responded that as an opposing forward, she can't wait to play me when I'm wearing white socks (she's on another team in the same league as the Cougar(hawk)s). I had no idea what she meant, until she explained; if the goalie's wearing white socks, and the puck is somewhere on her and she doesn't know it, it's a lot easier to find and jab at it than if she's wearing black socks. I sort of wrote this idea off until I noticed something- Rask wears black socks. Even when the Bruins are wearing yellow ones. So maybe there's something to this after all. Regardless, I'd already informed gionta182 that when we play her team, I'm definitely wearing the black socks, just for her.
Finally - There's No Explaining Taste (or lack of it)
A few days ago the team got an email from our former coach, with whom we are still in touch, and invite to team parties. The subject was "Attention! Front Office Mandate!" and all it contained was a link, and the words "Do it.". A link to these:
There are a lot of times I'm really thankful that I'm a goalie and not a skater, and this is definitely one of them. I'm not sure how many people are going to take him up on his directive, but I know Flipper said she would order them specifically for use in tournaments. Now that is going to be a sight.
First up - Goalie Lexicon
Some might think being married to the coach gets you extra perks. Not really. What it really gets you is homework. After Sunday's scrimmage it became evident that not everyone (and by "everyone", I mean "forwards") understands what the heck I'm yelling out there all game long. I know, it came as a shock to me too. Not everyone speaks Goalie. So, GoalieHusband asked me to come up with a list of things I shout on the ice and what they mean, to clear up any possible uncertainty.
You'd think things like "TIME! TIME!" would be pretty obvious, but it was really eye-opening to me to see all the light bulbs go on over people's heads as I ran through the things I yell most frequently on the ice. Good call on GoalieHusband's part, because I had no idea that what made perfect sense to me in my head didn't necessarily translate in a forward's brain.
Next - The Black Sock Effect
For the most part, I'm a big ol' honey badger when it comes to what socks I wear on the ice. Or, I used to be. I'm the goalie, who cares what color I wear, right? But somewhere around the end of last QCats season I got a bug up my ass about having white socks to wear when we wore our home white jerseys. (I have lots of dark colors, but no white). It festered for a while, because I really felt stupid going out to buy socks to match my jersey. I mean, that's like a totally girl thing to do. But eventually it got the best of me and I ordered white socks. I used as my justification the fact that the Cougar(hawk)s also wear white, so I figure between those games and QCat home games I'll get lots of use out of them. I happened to tweet about buying them, and gionta182 responded that as an opposing forward, she can't wait to play me when I'm wearing white socks (she's on another team in the same league as the Cougar(hawk)s). I had no idea what she meant, until she explained; if the goalie's wearing white socks, and the puck is somewhere on her and she doesn't know it, it's a lot easier to find and jab at it than if she's wearing black socks. I sort of wrote this idea off until I noticed something- Rask wears black socks. Even when the Bruins are wearing yellow ones. So maybe there's something to this after all. Regardless, I'd already informed gionta182 that when we play her team, I'm definitely wearing the black socks, just for her.
Finally - There's No Explaining Taste (or lack of it)
A few days ago the team got an email from our former coach, with whom we are still in touch, and invite to team parties. The subject was "Attention! Front Office Mandate!" and all it contained was a link, and the words "Do it.". A link to these:
There are a lot of times I'm really thankful that I'm a goalie and not a skater, and this is definitely one of them. I'm not sure how many people are going to take him up on his directive, but I know Flipper said she would order them specifically for use in tournaments. Now that is going to be a sight.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Eat your heart out, Tuukka
I'm a little giddy because I'm at the beginning of FOUR WHOLE DAYS OFF and since I decided to forgo the Shark Tank this morning and relax instead, I decided to take Moosey up on his suggestion of taking a picture of the new mask - in full Eyeliner Effect. Now, I think Tuukka Rask has the most badass goalie-stare going (and I'll refrain from making innuendos about his stick in that picture), but I think maybe I might give him just a little competition here. Unfortunately, this is not what any shooter will ever see, as I have to play with glasses, but they totally ruined the effect, so I left them off. (Oh yeah that and if I ever actually got this dolled up for a game I'd never hear the end of it from my teammates).
So here's me having fun with taking a picture of a rather boring mask and sprucing it up a bit. This is what happens when your goalie used to be somewhat "goth" and wear makeup like this every day. Liquid eyeliner is like riding a bike- you never really forget how to do it. ;)
(And PS that's my beloved Ak Bars Kazan jersey. Figured I might as well feature that while I'm taking a picture. Two KHL championships in a row, bitches. ;) )
So here's me having fun with taking a picture of a rather boring mask and sprucing it up a bit. This is what happens when your goalie used to be somewhat "goth" and wear makeup like this every day. Liquid eyeliner is like riding a bike- you never really forget how to do it. ;)
(And PS that's my beloved Ak Bars Kazan jersey. Figured I might as well feature that while I'm taking a picture. Two KHL championships in a row, bitches. ;) )
Friday, September 26, 2008
A little levity
This email was forwarded to me recently, and I figured this would be a good place to post it. Enjoy...
There are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across America who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like "Old Puckers", "Rusty Blades", "Just the Tips" and "Nine-Inch Males," but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:
Which one are you???
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "DD" Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy - a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockeyplayer! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift."
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another
game.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy
This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago.
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional
assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
CORPORATE GUY -
At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a cush corporate job and fancy car. Once he enters the locker room its Party time & latest tales of bangin' broads and the good times. PreGame beer and smoke, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter. This guy is Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench. Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his teammates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at the Brass Pole Ballet, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk!
Ok... I've played with almost all of these guys. Thankfully I haven't run into Naked Guy yet- and all my team-mates can probably thank me for the fact that no one walks around the locker room displaying his wares. I obviously would classify myself as "The Beginner". It's definitely true that I show up at every game, no matter how late. "Tardy Goalie", my ass.
There are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across America who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like "Old Puckers", "Rusty Blades", "Just the Tips" and "Nine-Inch Males," but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:
Which one are you???
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "DD" Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy - a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockeyplayer! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift."
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another
game.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy
This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago.
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional
assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
CORPORATE GUY -
At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a cush corporate job and fancy car. Once he enters the locker room its Party time & latest tales of bangin' broads and the good times. PreGame beer and smoke, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter. This guy is Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench. Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his teammates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at the Brass Pole Ballet, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk!
Ok... I've played with almost all of these guys. Thankfully I haven't run into Naked Guy yet- and all my team-mates can probably thank me for the fact that no one walks around the locker room displaying his wares. I obviously would classify myself as "The Beginner". It's definitely true that I show up at every game, no matter how late. "Tardy Goalie", my ass.
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