Rollercoaster

I've been going back and forth in my head about writing in here how I really feel. On the one hand, it's my blog, my chronicle of my adventures in goaltending, and this is certainly a major event. On the other hand, I know nobody wants to read a bunch of whining and moaning and self-pitying. I have removed people from my facebook news feed for that exact reason. If it's so personal, keep it to yourself.

But what is this blog if not myself? So let me just say that I am having a really, really, really hard time with this. Some days are ok. Others... I'm close to tears from the frustration. And no, it's not just being off the ice. It's the fact that I am completely dependent on other people for things that I (until now) took for granted without even a bat of an eyelash. I can't drive myself anywhere. I am blessed with a friend at work who lives close by and is driving me to and from my job. And parents who come get me and take me to the grocery store. And a husband who drives us everywhere we need to go. Believe me, I am beyond grateful to these people for these things. But the fact that I can't just hop in the car and run to the bank, or anywhere else, is absolutely maddening. The fact that, with the exception of reading, everything I love to do has come to a screeching halt, is making me nuts.

Yes, this is temporary. By all indications I'm getting this god-forsaken brace off in 9 days. It could be much, much worse. I could be permanently disabled or paralyzed. And knowing that, I feel incredibly guilty for being as frustrated and upset as I am, and that just makes me feel even worse.

And then there's the uncertainty of my return to the ice. When will I be back? How far backwards will I have gone in that time frame? How much of a detriment will I be to my teams? These are all things that aren't even supposed to be allowed in my brain, but they're there nonetheless. I have a plan for building myself back up, and I know I am going to be ok eventually. It's just that little seed of doubt that's having plenty of time to germinate in the dark. I'm even unsure about posting all this because the "outside" me is a straining-at-the-leash, let-me-at-em, bring-it-on goalie with BALLS. And even when I don't feel like I have balls, I pretend I do, and the rest of me catches up. So this is a completely different face for people to see, and your goalie isn't supposed to show any weakness.

I already feel better having written all this. Except for the bashing myself for even feeling this way part. In comparison to the injuries my husband had to come back from, or someone with an incurable disease, this is nothing. This is a party. So I'm going to STFU now and stop whining and who knows if this post will even ever see the light of day.