Vizualizing, and I Fail at Sharing

How is it possible to feel like I've come so far and yet still have so, so far to go? I continue to be absolutely amazed at the body's ability to heal. Just 5 days out of the brace and I have just about complete range of motion back in my knee. It's a little tight, but it's there. I'm walking around without a limp already. I really thought it would take so much longer to get to this point. And yet... my big accomplishment today was doing leg lifts with a 1lb weight on my ankle, and 10 minutes on the bike- with no resistance. Ugh.

I know all the right rah-rah cheerleader mental trick things to do. And I still believe in them. But damn, is it hard to picture doing the things I used to do. Pigeon pose - are you kidding me? Deep squats - yeah right think again. Repeatedly slamming down on my knee, not to mention standing in a position that puts tons of stress on the very thing that hurts right now - are you out of your ever-loving mind??? But yet... these are the images I hold in my head. I have to. I have to believe that it's not as far away as it seems. If in 5 days I've gone from complete immobility to where I am now, I have to believe that I'll be back doing those things again. It's just... really hard sometimes to see that.

Here's why I fail at sharing: A skater was going to jump into the net for practice. She's borrowed some extra equipment in the past, but I guess wasn't going to have it tonight, so Coach asked GoalieHusband if he could bring anything of mine. Look, I am absolutely a team player, but I'm sorry, I just draw the line at using my gear. It's hard to explain, but that's like asking to borrow my underwear. If that makes me selfish, then so be it I guess. But I'm learning to stand up for myself and say "no" when I want to, rather than giving in because I "should" or because I'm "supposed to be nice". If that's a bitchy prima-donna goalie thing to do, then oh well. I know that there is other gear for her to borrow, so I'm not leaving her high and dry. And it's totally not personal. It's just that... that's my gear, man. Lots of goalies won't even let other people touch their gear, much less borrow it. Fortunately, in my frenzied "omg I don't trust my own opinion on this and am compelled to see what twitter says" moment, several tweeps backed me up, so I don't feel QUITE so selfish and guilty. I know I've said this before, but, gotta love the Union.

More Good Stuff

I walked out of PT somewhat sore today, but happy. Seems I'm progressing very well. Dr R is very pleased with my range of motion; it's almost back to normal already! (That's not to say it feels good moving my knee like that... just that I can. Die, scar tissue, die!)

I have two different types of exercises to do at home. One type is stretching, to get the range of motion back. The other is strength, to build up the wimpy little muscles in my leg. Dr R had me doing 1 set of 10 reps of the strength exercises... which honestly felt like nothing. So today when he asked how the exercises were, I told him the strength ones were too easy. "Good," he said. "Because I'm bringing you up to 30 reps." Muahaha! Be careful what you ask for, right? But the 30 reps I can tell are actually doing something; by the end I've got that burn going. He gave me some additional exercises to do as well.

I also got several pieces of good news. First off, I told him that I'd done some weight lifting for upper body, and that afterwards my knee was somewhat sore. He said that's fine, it's just that the muscles aren't used to any activity at all. It won't hurt anything, so I can keep doing that if I want. YAY! Also, he mentioned that I'd be on the bike at my next visit (Wednesday), which thrilled me. Yeah... I'm excited about riding a boring old stationary bike. But I know that's really going to help build up my muscles, so I'm very happy about that. And last, but certainly not least, he told me he didn't need to wait 2 weeks to assess my progress; that I'll be able to play in that early April tournament no problem. Since we'd already discussed that I'd definitely have to do some practices before jumping right into a game, that means I'll probably be hitting the ice sometime around very end of March, first few days of April. YEEEEEEEEAHHH! Nice to have a timetable in mind, and not have to worry about "what if" for the tournaments. Awesomeness.

I had off from work today, so tomorrow is my first day back since the brace came off, which means... I CAN DRIVE MYSELF TO WORK! I have to borrow my husband's pickup truck, because my car is a standard and I can't use the clutch yet, so that should be pretty humorous for anyone at work, seeing me pull into the lot in a truck. Ha. Know what's really weird though? We bought this truck a few years ago because his car died and we needed something big enough to haul both our hockey bags around in. We were originally thinking some kind of mid size SUV but it just so happened that this particular truck was on the lot and priced to move. All that to say- we never thought about getting a pickup. And yet years ago, before we even bought the truck, I had a dream that I drove one to work. I remember parking it, and I remember coming back out to it at the end of the day; the same color truck we have now. At the time I thought it was pretty funny. And I didn't even remember it again until just now. Weird. Maybe I should go dream about some shutouts.

It's All Up From Here

Once again, I sit here typing with ice on my knee. But this time, it's because I just finished my physio exercises. Yesterday the doctor determined the fracture had healed and the brace could come off. YAYYYY!!! Actually, for the next week or two I have to wear it when I go outside, or if I am in crowds, just to prevent me from falling and really screwing it up. But this means that I CAN DRIVE! And I can sit at my desk or in a car comfortably. And even walk up stairs like a normal person! I'm still gimping on my way down, but hopefully that will change soon.

Now comes the hard part, right? When I was so excited on Monday and looking forward to PT, #14 said "oh, my naive Goalie..." And I know that this is not going to be easy. But the relief I feel to finally be DOING something active about recovering, to be out of the "sit and wait and heal" stage, is so tremendous. It is extremely humbling though, to be expending so much effort to do these simple exercises, compared to what I had been doing before I got hurt. But I have images in my mind, little mental reminders to help me through these seemingly simple exercises. Me doing split squats or sumo squats with weights. Me doing butterfly slides. Me making a save, recovering and getting back into position for the next one. Mentally picturing my leg as strong as it was before- no, even stronger. The thing that keeps amazing me is to see how atrophied certain muscles are. It will be so cool to see them build back up again. But right now it's hard to imagine, so I hold those images in my head, of where I know I will be.

It being my first session yesterday, Dr R (that's what I'll call my physio from here on in, for simplicity) wouldn't really give me a timetable to expect to be back on the ice. I am figuring 4-6 weeks, based on what my ortho said. Dr R said in about 2 weeks we'll have a better idea of my progress and he can tell me then. It's not just for my own knowledge though- there is a tournament April 8-9. I explained this to him, and asked if that was something he thought was possible, or if he knew right now that it was out of the question. Fortunately, he said that definitely seemed like it would be ok. I'm very relieved on several counts; 1) yay I can probably play in it! 2) I don't have to panic my team by telling them they need to find a sub and 3) that means Tampa is definitely going to be ok!

Oh and one other thing- I guess because of my enthusiasm to be at this stage and my passion to get back on the ice, people seem to think I'm going to push too hard and overdo it. HELL NO. I'm doing this right. I want to get back on the ice, yes, but I want to stay there. So yeah, I did my measly 1 set of 10 reps of strengthening exercises, and really wanted to do another set, but I'm not going to push it. (Personally I think I can definitely do more, but I will talk to Dr R about it on Monday- if he gives me the green light, good. If not, then I will just be patient.) I am being smart about this. Honest. :)

Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Blog

Well. I'm glad that bout of whining is over. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I went through a dark, dark tunnel and have come out on the other side. I know it's not over; there's a big hill in front of me to climb. But at least I'm out of the dark. Over the last few days I feel like I sort of turned a corner, both physically and mentally. Though I'm still in the brace, my knee feels so much stronger. It really feels like it's healed and ready for the next step.

I made an appointment for physical therapy, so I'll be going pretty much from the doctor's office to the physical therapist on Friday. I wanted to be sure to get started right away, and not spend the whole weekend wondering what I could and couldn't/shouldn't do in terms of everyday activity. I'm really looking forward to the PT. I know, I'm being incredibly naive... I'll probably have lots of very frustrating moments with that as well. But I'm kind of dorkily excited about it in a weird objective way. It'll be really interesting to watch my leg muscle rebuild. Right now, the section of leg just above my knee is actually thinner than the knee itself. Ewwww. No skirt-wearing for me for a while. Good thing it's still cold out. I'm really curious to see how they'll go about rebuilding it, and to actually see it come back. Total. Nerd.

If I had all the money and time in the world, I'd go back to school and get into this field. I just really like learning about anatomy and how stuff works and why certain things help and others don't, etc. But I've done full time job and part time school once already... and that was when I was a lot younger. And frankly, even if I had the money for it, if it would require me to give up hockey, I'm not interested. I'm not that fascinated. So I'll stick with being a sponge and just soaking up stuff as I go along. This physical therapist is either going to love me or hate me; I'm going to be asking a million questions.

But all that is 3 days and 22 hours away from now. I still have a bit to wait. But it'll get here. I'm no longer mired in misery. Ahhh, how refreshing.

Rollercoaster

I've been going back and forth in my head about writing in here how I really feel. On the one hand, it's my blog, my chronicle of my adventures in goaltending, and this is certainly a major event. On the other hand, I know nobody wants to read a bunch of whining and moaning and self-pitying. I have removed people from my facebook news feed for that exact reason. If it's so personal, keep it to yourself.

But what is this blog if not myself? So let me just say that I am having a really, really, really hard time with this. Some days are ok. Others... I'm close to tears from the frustration. And no, it's not just being off the ice. It's the fact that I am completely dependent on other people for things that I (until now) took for granted without even a bat of an eyelash. I can't drive myself anywhere. I am blessed with a friend at work who lives close by and is driving me to and from my job. And parents who come get me and take me to the grocery store. And a husband who drives us everywhere we need to go. Believe me, I am beyond grateful to these people for these things. But the fact that I can't just hop in the car and run to the bank, or anywhere else, is absolutely maddening. The fact that, with the exception of reading, everything I love to do has come to a screeching halt, is making me nuts.

Yes, this is temporary. By all indications I'm getting this god-forsaken brace off in 9 days. It could be much, much worse. I could be permanently disabled or paralyzed. And knowing that, I feel incredibly guilty for being as frustrated and upset as I am, and that just makes me feel even worse.

And then there's the uncertainty of my return to the ice. When will I be back? How far backwards will I have gone in that time frame? How much of a detriment will I be to my teams? These are all things that aren't even supposed to be allowed in my brain, but they're there nonetheless. I have a plan for building myself back up, and I know I am going to be ok eventually. It's just that little seed of doubt that's having plenty of time to germinate in the dark. I'm even unsure about posting all this because the "outside" me is a straining-at-the-leash, let-me-at-em, bring-it-on goalie with BALLS. And even when I don't feel like I have balls, I pretend I do, and the rest of me catches up. So this is a completely different face for people to see, and your goalie isn't supposed to show any weakness.

I already feel better having written all this. Except for the bashing myself for even feeling this way part. In comparison to the injuries my husband had to come back from, or someone with an incurable disease, this is nothing. This is a party. So I'm going to STFU now and stop whining and who knows if this post will even ever see the light of day.

Fun and Misery, and WWF on Ice

I'm not the only injured Quarry Cat these last few weeks. One of my D, "Flipper", partially tore a ligament in her ankle about a week or so before I got hurt. She's been in a boot, and should be out of it this week. We've been commiserating a lot, and decided we need to text each other a "positive thought of the day", rather than dwelling on the fact that being off the ice sucks major donkey balls. In truth, it really has helped to have someone else on the IR. Misery loves company and all that. We've been going to the games and helping out on the bench; her with the D door, me counting shots. And yelling our heads off, of course. As she said in an email to me after last night's game: "I can't understand how I can enjoy a game as much as I did tonight, while at the same time being absolutely miserable."

Yep, that about sums it up. I go to the games because need to. And for the most part it's really a good thing. Last night's game was pretty awesome. We won 6-1 against a team that, in the year or so that I've been around, has beaten us every time. 6-1. Not only that but we had 28 shots on goal!!! Shots-for was a place we'd been struggling a bit at the beginning of the season. Not anymore. I was so proud to report that number back to the coach at the end of the game. Way to go Offense! It wasn't just the shot tally either; it was seeing them use the plays we've been working on in practice, and several times it worked perfectly. This team has come a very long way in a year and a half.

There was also a fight. Yes, an actual real fight. I didn't see what started it, because I had been looking down at the sheet I was using to keep track of shots, but I looked up and saw "Pants" (which is actually really her nickname) and another player punching at each other and yelling. And then Pants sort of jumped her, bear-hugged her, and took her down to the ice. WOW! Even in mens' league I haven't seen a take-down like that! There was actually a group of people watching the game, a fair number of them kids, and they all swarmed over and were cheering and banging on the glass. Both combatants got 4 minutes (for high sticking, I think) and a 10 minute misconduct.

Evidently Pants was retaliating against a 2-handed chop to the head. I had missed that part, but GoalieHusband took that opportunity to teach the D on the bench about not retaliating, because the refs always only see the second infraction. Don't retaliate, he said.... just get their number and get them back later. Still, I don't think a single person can blame Pants for retaliating against a cheap shot like that. And I wish I had a video camera, because that take-down was a thing of beauty.

The next game is tomorrow night, at the outdoor place. I'm going. But... BRRRRRRR that's gonna be cold. Playing outside is one thing. Being behind the bench is another thing entirely.

And then comes next Sunday, which is the first Hawks game I'll be missing. That one is going to be really, really hard. I'm hoping the fact that I'll be 5 days away from getting out of the brace will help temper it a little. Almost there. I'm almost there. It won't be long before I can be working my way back to game-shape. Almost there.

But.... I'm a goalie!

I went back to the doctor this week because something just hasn't been feeling right with my knee. He had said to go ahead and walk on it, and didn't give me any crutches, so that's what I'd been doing. But for the last several days it just got weaker and weaker and kept feeling like it was going to give out on me. I figured it was probably because my leg muscles are so weak but wanted to get it checked out just in case. I'd hate to go through 4 weeks of this only to find out "oh guess what, something else is wrong!"

I fully expected him to look at me and say "it's broken, of course it's weak". But he was really cool and listened to what I said and asked, and took a look at it and had another x-ray done. He said since there was enough force to break the bone, everything else in there was certainly bruised and needed to heal as well. I started to panic, but he listed a bunch of things in your knee that I've never heard of and was happy enough to not hear "meniscus" or "MCL". (Totally paranoid there's an MCL issue. When it does hurt, it hurts on the inside side. But I'll just shelve that fear.)

The x-ray turned out to be a mood booster. The break is healing very well, and he said I'd be able to have the brace off at my next appointment in two weeks. JOY!!! Then I can start the work I need to do to get back on the ice. At least I'll feel like I'm *doing* something about it.

So, good news. And he gave me a crutch to use for stability, and walking around is MUCH better now. There was, however, a conversation that concerned me. My mom was my ride, so she came into the room with me to keep me company and hear what he had to say. When I misunderstood something he said and said "so we won't know until it heals, if there's something else wrong?" he shook his head and said no, you'll be fine. He then went on to explain that long term, I'll have some limitations. He said he'd recommend against doing a lot of things that would put a load on my knee, like kneeling. Or squatting.

Blink. Blink. My mom and I looked at each other.

"But.... I'm a goalie!" I felt the panic starting to rise. "Do you mean it could re-break?"

He said no, and explained that he wouldn't say don't do it, but just that I might have some pain, and there could be some buildup on the back of the kneecap which would rub on.... something. That's kind of where he lost me, since I was busy being relieved he didn't flat out say "don't play again".

"Now, if you told me you were a baseball catcher... I'd say 'oh great'".

"Well it's kind of the same thing," I said.

"Yeah she's on her knees a LOT," added my mom. Uhhh... thanks mom.

He still didn't say anything about not playing, he just kind of shrugged. I think he's kind of amused by me. But you know what? Fuck it. I'll get a good brace, get some extra padding with the knee guards I was planning on ordering anyway, and if it hurts, it fucking hurts, who cares. I can play through pain if it's "just pain". If something's wrong, I don't want to make it worse, but if it just hurts because that's how it's going to be now, then I can deal with that. When I go back in 2 weeks I'll talk to him some more about the details I sort of spaced out on. If I have to be more careful with it, I'll be more careful. Just get me on the ice, doc.