End of an Era

If you're a regular reader, you know about GoalieHusband's concussion-related travails. In perfect frankness, he's been playing on borrowed time for some time now. There was a period of time about two years ago, after what was then the latest of his mishaps, that I very strongly implored him to stay off the ice, and he very reluctantly relented. After many months passed and he'd been feeling better for a long time, it was easy to forget why I made that request in the first place, and when he ventured back into open hockey, I worried but kept quiet, and the sky didn't fall. Then that wasn't enough and he came back to the team and played in the league again. For a while, things were fine. Then there started to be nights where he'd take a light hit and be dizzy. Then nights when I'd be the one driving home because an innocent hockey mishap, which happens to everyone all the time, left him dizzy and foggy-headed even after the game. Then there was the game when we were all leaving the ice after the handshake line, and he was still sitting on the bench, grimacing in pain, slightly disoriented, and had to be helped off the ice and back into the locker room.

And then there was three Tuesdays ago.

My disgust for what happened is causing me to consider taking some time off from this league. I'm getting burned out, getting tired of the unacceptable bullshit that is par for the course in that league (the more things change, the more the stay the same), just tired. Would the situation have been as serious if GoalieHusband didn't have this history of concussion? I doubt it. But that doesn't make what happened any more acceptable. In my eyes, anyway. And if I'd been thinking clearly I'd have filed some kind of report with the rink so that I could pursue it in some way now. But following a stretcher off the ice and trying to stay calm was taking up most of my mental capacity that night.

I'm not going to go into all the details of what happened and what led up to it, but the short story is that the game was chippy, and some back-and-forth between a player and GoalieHusband resulted in them both down on the ice, GoalieHusband facing away from the other player, and the other player sucker punching him in the head. Several times. From behind. Both of them were given double minors for roughing, and at the time he seemed ok. He finished the period, between periods I checked on him. I knew he wasn't quite right, but I felt like asking him to sit out the rest of the game was overkill. (He wouldn't have anyway). It wasn't long into the 3rd period however, when he took himself off the ice, and collapsed on the bench. Fortunately a teammate noticed what was going on just in time, and caught him and laid him down on the bench.

By the time I got there he was conscious (barely) and talking (slurring). We insisted on an ambulance despite his protests. The first guy to show up I guess was a campus cop, but he had some kind of kit with him, and put an oxygen mask on him since his pulse was low and he couldn't keep his eyes open. He was responding to questions, knew where he was, but it was terrifying seeing him like that. Eventually the EMTs got there, talked to him for a few minutes, and got him onto a stretcher. During all this time I'd been stripping my gear off at the bench, and ran back to the locker room for my pants so I didn't have to sit in the ER in my jill and hockey socks.

And our teammates were amazing. They assured me they'd put the big pile of gear at the bench into my bag for me. They brought GoalieHusband's clothes and wallet out for me to take to the hospital with him. And since I was riding over in the ambulance, they drove our truck over so we'd have a way home when it was all over. (I do hope the hockey gods took note of the fact that the truck is filthy, and was blaring Rammstein. That's a true friend. Although I did notice, when I got in it later, that the music was not turned off. Heh). When I emailed a teammate the next day to thank her for all she'd done, she said something really interesting: "these days, when so many of us don't live close to family, it's up to friends to look after each other". That really resonated with me, and not just in terms of my hockey friends. I'd been texting @byndblueshirts from the ambulance because I was scared and just needed a friend to lean on. I put a brave face on for GoalieHusband and everyone else, but I was terrified. Just having someone to reach out to and admit that to helped.

We were sitting in the parking lot in the ambulance for quite a while. They made me sit in the front though, so I couldn't really tell what was going on. I could see and hear enough to see that they weren't in any state of urgency, and could hear GoalieHusband still talking. I guess they were taking his gear off, and put him on a backboard and cervical collar just in case. (I found it odd that they didn't do that when they first put him on the stretcher, but did it later). Because of the long delay and lack of overall urgency I was kind of surprised that when we did get underway it was with lights and sirens, and a police car behind us. But by the time we did get to the ER, he was much more alert, more coherent, and talking more normally. He was still in rough shape, but nowhere near as frightening as it had been before.

They did a CAT scan and didn't find anything, so the doctor diagnosed him with syncope (fainting) and mild concussion and released him. He stayed home from work for two days, though it really should have been three, and gradually the fog lifted enough to return him to a semi-normal state. But it's been three weeks and he's still having headaches, light sensitivity, and fatigue.Everything's moving in the right direction; less intensity and frequency, it's just taking a while. The longest he's had effects has been 4 or 5 days, and I think this time he understands that this is his brain being damaged and he needs to stop putting himself in harm's way.

A few days after the incident, without any prompting from me, he said "I'm coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't ever play hockey again."  I never knew one sentence could make me feel so much relief and heartbreak at the same time. I loved being on the ice with him. No one ever defended me more staunchly (well, @gionta182 and @lct29 come very close), and it was wonderful to share this thing we both love. I think of how I felt when I was injured, a mere two months off the ice and I was climbing the walls, and I can't even imagine what it feels like to have that taken away for good. He's going to have to find other avenues though, and I think coaching is one. He's so passionate about coaching the QCats, and is thinking about going to get his 3rd level USA Hockey coaching certification now. He's also a writer; he's been working on a book for years now, a book that has morphed into a trilogy, and while it's not my genre (fantasy), I can tell it is excellent. He's got enough brain cells left to work on that and another project he's just been inspired to start, so I think eventually he'll be ok. I do expect some stages of grumpiness though, and that's ok. I'd be grumpy too. But as much as I love sharing hockey with him, I also love sharing the rest of life with him as well, and I'm glad that we will be able to do that. That was quite a close call.

Welcome Home

Given that I hit the ice two nights ago for the first time in nearly two months, you'd think I would have been in here bubbling over with excitement before now. It has taken me forever to write this post though, because of two reasons. First, after my jubilant return my thoughts were so scrambled I couldn't corral them much beyond FUCK YEAH, BITCHES!, which I think is what I tweeted from the car. Second, with my boss out all week with pneumonia (!), work has been absolutely insane and by the time I get home at night my brain has hung out the "gone for the night, come back tomorrow" sign.

But now, on a gorgeous Friday that makes for a very empty office, I have some time to get my thoughts down. All day on Wednesday I was bouncing off the wall, relishing the thought that I'd be packing up my hockey bag and throwing it in the back of the truck with GoalieHusband's and making our way to the rink. (The Hawks had a rare "early" game and were on the other ice surface at the same time the QCats were practicing... more on that later). I was giddy in the locker room, and was actually met with squeals of glee as teammates came in and saw me sitting there with my giant bag, putting my gear on. The Mayor even told me that it was a sight more beautiful than her wedding day. We're serious about our hockey eh.

I was actually quite nervous though, not knowing what to expect. My plan was to spend some time off on my own, working on skating and movement etc. If my knee felt ok, I figured I'd go in the net for some shots, but I wasn't counting on it. Fortunately, it went much better than I expected! After about 10 minutes of t-pushes and pivoting and pushing, and yes, even butterflying, I thought I was in good enough shape to face some rubber. Yes, my knee hurt, but my physical therapist said the kind of pain I was experiencing was to be expected and would go away gradually with time. That's all I needed to hear- as long as I'm not damaging anything, I can work through it.

I skated over to the coach, told him I was ready, and he stopped the drill and I got into the net. And GoalieBrain instantly took over. Without even realizing it, I went through the quick get-pumped, get-focused, bang the crossbar, hit the left post, hit the ice routine that has become second nature upon getting into the net. A huge cheer went up from the girls gathered at the red line. I am having a hard time finding a way to express what I felt. It felt like something fell neatly into place and clicked. Earlier, when we'd pulled into the parking lot, GoalieHusband leaned over and kissed me and said "welcome home"... but it wasn't really until that moment that I felt it. I truly felt like I was exactly where I belonged. And it was exhilarating.

I took shots for about ten minutes and found myself completely winded. I knew I'd lose endurance but wow... I have a lot of work to do. For the most part everything felt fine. There's just one movement that gives me a bit more pain than the rest, and I'll keep my eye on it (so to speak) and make sure it doesn't seem to be getting worse the more I practice. At one point, the puck was at my knees and the forward who'd skated in and shot jumped to cover it at the same time I did (I got it... haha), and jokingly shoved me around a little. Flipper, who was previously my partner on the IR, came over and manhandled her all the way over to the boards. All involved were laughing and cheering- it was all in good fun.

With about 15 minutes left in the practice, I decided to be smart and pack it in. My knee was getting stiffer and more painful and I didn't want to push it. So I wandered (waddled, really, since I didn't want to waste time taking my gear off) over to the other rink to see how the Hawks were doing. Since they were playing the "Drunk Punks", who beat us last time, I was certainly hoping to see a scoreboard in our favor. And I did. We were up by 3 goals to their 1 when I walked in, with a Hawk in the process of putting another one in the net. With only a few minutes left, I stayed to watch, and saw the most idiotic thing I've ever seen at a rink. When they beat the goalie yet again, our guys stood dumbfounded as one of the Punks tackled another one in their defensive zone. I thought at first they were horsing around, but then I heard their voices. They were actually fighting each other. Another Punk came over and dragged the instigator off by the back of his collar, looking an awful lot like a mother cat. It was absolutely bizarre, and with only 38 seconds left, the refs just let the clock run out. Real classy bunch of guys, those Punks.

By a few teammates' accounts, it was a fantastic game on everyone's part and I'm sure it felt great to beat those guys. As anxious as I am to get back into the net "for real", with my teams, I'm playing it smart and leaving the rest of the games this season to my sub. The new season starts up again in mid-April, which is perfect timing. Just before that is the tournament with the QCats up in Massachusetts, so I'll definitely be back in top shape endurance wise. If I'm not, after 4 games in 3 days, I never will be.

But first, clinic, practice, clinic, open hockey etc etc etc to get those muscles back in motion and get my stamina back. I have a grand plan: win the tournament so I can come back and email my physical therapist a sweaty victory picture. DAMN, does it feel good to be back.

More Good Stuff

I walked out of PT somewhat sore today, but happy. Seems I'm progressing very well. Dr R is very pleased with my range of motion; it's almost back to normal already! (That's not to say it feels good moving my knee like that... just that I can. Die, scar tissue, die!)

I have two different types of exercises to do at home. One type is stretching, to get the range of motion back. The other is strength, to build up the wimpy little muscles in my leg. Dr R had me doing 1 set of 10 reps of the strength exercises... which honestly felt like nothing. So today when he asked how the exercises were, I told him the strength ones were too easy. "Good," he said. "Because I'm bringing you up to 30 reps." Muahaha! Be careful what you ask for, right? But the 30 reps I can tell are actually doing something; by the end I've got that burn going. He gave me some additional exercises to do as well.

I also got several pieces of good news. First off, I told him that I'd done some weight lifting for upper body, and that afterwards my knee was somewhat sore. He said that's fine, it's just that the muscles aren't used to any activity at all. It won't hurt anything, so I can keep doing that if I want. YAY! Also, he mentioned that I'd be on the bike at my next visit (Wednesday), which thrilled me. Yeah... I'm excited about riding a boring old stationary bike. But I know that's really going to help build up my muscles, so I'm very happy about that. And last, but certainly not least, he told me he didn't need to wait 2 weeks to assess my progress; that I'll be able to play in that early April tournament no problem. Since we'd already discussed that I'd definitely have to do some practices before jumping right into a game, that means I'll probably be hitting the ice sometime around very end of March, first few days of April. YEEEEEEEEAHHH! Nice to have a timetable in mind, and not have to worry about "what if" for the tournaments. Awesomeness.

I had off from work today, so tomorrow is my first day back since the brace came off, which means... I CAN DRIVE MYSELF TO WORK! I have to borrow my husband's pickup truck, because my car is a standard and I can't use the clutch yet, so that should be pretty humorous for anyone at work, seeing me pull into the lot in a truck. Ha. Know what's really weird though? We bought this truck a few years ago because his car died and we needed something big enough to haul both our hockey bags around in. We were originally thinking some kind of mid size SUV but it just so happened that this particular truck was on the lot and priced to move. All that to say- we never thought about getting a pickup. And yet years ago, before we even bought the truck, I had a dream that I drove one to work. I remember parking it, and I remember coming back out to it at the end of the day; the same color truck we have now. At the time I thought it was pretty funny. And I didn't even remember it again until just now. Weird. Maybe I should go dream about some shutouts.

It's All Up From Here

Once again, I sit here typing with ice on my knee. But this time, it's because I just finished my physio exercises. Yesterday the doctor determined the fracture had healed and the brace could come off. YAYYYY!!! Actually, for the next week or two I have to wear it when I go outside, or if I am in crowds, just to prevent me from falling and really screwing it up. But this means that I CAN DRIVE! And I can sit at my desk or in a car comfortably. And even walk up stairs like a normal person! I'm still gimping on my way down, but hopefully that will change soon.

Now comes the hard part, right? When I was so excited on Monday and looking forward to PT, #14 said "oh, my naive Goalie..." And I know that this is not going to be easy. But the relief I feel to finally be DOING something active about recovering, to be out of the "sit and wait and heal" stage, is so tremendous. It is extremely humbling though, to be expending so much effort to do these simple exercises, compared to what I had been doing before I got hurt. But I have images in my mind, little mental reminders to help me through these seemingly simple exercises. Me doing split squats or sumo squats with weights. Me doing butterfly slides. Me making a save, recovering and getting back into position for the next one. Mentally picturing my leg as strong as it was before- no, even stronger. The thing that keeps amazing me is to see how atrophied certain muscles are. It will be so cool to see them build back up again. But right now it's hard to imagine, so I hold those images in my head, of where I know I will be.

It being my first session yesterday, Dr R (that's what I'll call my physio from here on in, for simplicity) wouldn't really give me a timetable to expect to be back on the ice. I am figuring 4-6 weeks, based on what my ortho said. Dr R said in about 2 weeks we'll have a better idea of my progress and he can tell me then. It's not just for my own knowledge though- there is a tournament April 8-9. I explained this to him, and asked if that was something he thought was possible, or if he knew right now that it was out of the question. Fortunately, he said that definitely seemed like it would be ok. I'm very relieved on several counts; 1) yay I can probably play in it! 2) I don't have to panic my team by telling them they need to find a sub and 3) that means Tampa is definitely going to be ok!

Oh and one other thing- I guess because of my enthusiasm to be at this stage and my passion to get back on the ice, people seem to think I'm going to push too hard and overdo it. HELL NO. I'm doing this right. I want to get back on the ice, yes, but I want to stay there. So yeah, I did my measly 1 set of 10 reps of strengthening exercises, and really wanted to do another set, but I'm not going to push it. (Personally I think I can definitely do more, but I will talk to Dr R about it on Monday- if he gives me the green light, good. If not, then I will just be patient.) I am being smart about this. Honest. :)

Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Blog

Well. I'm glad that bout of whining is over. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I went through a dark, dark tunnel and have come out on the other side. I know it's not over; there's a big hill in front of me to climb. But at least I'm out of the dark. Over the last few days I feel like I sort of turned a corner, both physically and mentally. Though I'm still in the brace, my knee feels so much stronger. It really feels like it's healed and ready for the next step.

I made an appointment for physical therapy, so I'll be going pretty much from the doctor's office to the physical therapist on Friday. I wanted to be sure to get started right away, and not spend the whole weekend wondering what I could and couldn't/shouldn't do in terms of everyday activity. I'm really looking forward to the PT. I know, I'm being incredibly naive... I'll probably have lots of very frustrating moments with that as well. But I'm kind of dorkily excited about it in a weird objective way. It'll be really interesting to watch my leg muscle rebuild. Right now, the section of leg just above my knee is actually thinner than the knee itself. Ewwww. No skirt-wearing for me for a while. Good thing it's still cold out. I'm really curious to see how they'll go about rebuilding it, and to actually see it come back. Total. Nerd.

If I had all the money and time in the world, I'd go back to school and get into this field. I just really like learning about anatomy and how stuff works and why certain things help and others don't, etc. But I've done full time job and part time school once already... and that was when I was a lot younger. And frankly, even if I had the money for it, if it would require me to give up hockey, I'm not interested. I'm not that fascinated. So I'll stick with being a sponge and just soaking up stuff as I go along. This physical therapist is either going to love me or hate me; I'm going to be asking a million questions.

But all that is 3 days and 22 hours away from now. I still have a bit to wait. But it'll get here. I'm no longer mired in misery. Ahhh, how refreshing.

Fun and Misery, and WWF on Ice

I'm not the only injured Quarry Cat these last few weeks. One of my D, "Flipper", partially tore a ligament in her ankle about a week or so before I got hurt. She's been in a boot, and should be out of it this week. We've been commiserating a lot, and decided we need to text each other a "positive thought of the day", rather than dwelling on the fact that being off the ice sucks major donkey balls. In truth, it really has helped to have someone else on the IR. Misery loves company and all that. We've been going to the games and helping out on the bench; her with the D door, me counting shots. And yelling our heads off, of course. As she said in an email to me after last night's game: "I can't understand how I can enjoy a game as much as I did tonight, while at the same time being absolutely miserable."

Yep, that about sums it up. I go to the games because need to. And for the most part it's really a good thing. Last night's game was pretty awesome. We won 6-1 against a team that, in the year or so that I've been around, has beaten us every time. 6-1. Not only that but we had 28 shots on goal!!! Shots-for was a place we'd been struggling a bit at the beginning of the season. Not anymore. I was so proud to report that number back to the coach at the end of the game. Way to go Offense! It wasn't just the shot tally either; it was seeing them use the plays we've been working on in practice, and several times it worked perfectly. This team has come a very long way in a year and a half.

There was also a fight. Yes, an actual real fight. I didn't see what started it, because I had been looking down at the sheet I was using to keep track of shots, but I looked up and saw "Pants" (which is actually really her nickname) and another player punching at each other and yelling. And then Pants sort of jumped her, bear-hugged her, and took her down to the ice. WOW! Even in mens' league I haven't seen a take-down like that! There was actually a group of people watching the game, a fair number of them kids, and they all swarmed over and were cheering and banging on the glass. Both combatants got 4 minutes (for high sticking, I think) and a 10 minute misconduct.

Evidently Pants was retaliating against a 2-handed chop to the head. I had missed that part, but GoalieHusband took that opportunity to teach the D on the bench about not retaliating, because the refs always only see the second infraction. Don't retaliate, he said.... just get their number and get them back later. Still, I don't think a single person can blame Pants for retaliating against a cheap shot like that. And I wish I had a video camera, because that take-down was a thing of beauty.

The next game is tomorrow night, at the outdoor place. I'm going. But... BRRRRRRR that's gonna be cold. Playing outside is one thing. Being behind the bench is another thing entirely.

And then comes next Sunday, which is the first Hawks game I'll be missing. That one is going to be really, really hard. I'm hoping the fact that I'll be 5 days away from getting out of the brace will help temper it a little. Almost there. I'm almost there. It won't be long before I can be working my way back to game-shape. Almost there.

But.... I'm a goalie!

I went back to the doctor this week because something just hasn't been feeling right with my knee. He had said to go ahead and walk on it, and didn't give me any crutches, so that's what I'd been doing. But for the last several days it just got weaker and weaker and kept feeling like it was going to give out on me. I figured it was probably because my leg muscles are so weak but wanted to get it checked out just in case. I'd hate to go through 4 weeks of this only to find out "oh guess what, something else is wrong!"

I fully expected him to look at me and say "it's broken, of course it's weak". But he was really cool and listened to what I said and asked, and took a look at it and had another x-ray done. He said since there was enough force to break the bone, everything else in there was certainly bruised and needed to heal as well. I started to panic, but he listed a bunch of things in your knee that I've never heard of and was happy enough to not hear "meniscus" or "MCL". (Totally paranoid there's an MCL issue. When it does hurt, it hurts on the inside side. But I'll just shelve that fear.)

The x-ray turned out to be a mood booster. The break is healing very well, and he said I'd be able to have the brace off at my next appointment in two weeks. JOY!!! Then I can start the work I need to do to get back on the ice. At least I'll feel like I'm *doing* something about it.

So, good news. And he gave me a crutch to use for stability, and walking around is MUCH better now. There was, however, a conversation that concerned me. My mom was my ride, so she came into the room with me to keep me company and hear what he had to say. When I misunderstood something he said and said "so we won't know until it heals, if there's something else wrong?" he shook his head and said no, you'll be fine. He then went on to explain that long term, I'll have some limitations. He said he'd recommend against doing a lot of things that would put a load on my knee, like kneeling. Or squatting.

Blink. Blink. My mom and I looked at each other.

"But.... I'm a goalie!" I felt the panic starting to rise. "Do you mean it could re-break?"

He said no, and explained that he wouldn't say don't do it, but just that I might have some pain, and there could be some buildup on the back of the kneecap which would rub on.... something. That's kind of where he lost me, since I was busy being relieved he didn't flat out say "don't play again".

"Now, if you told me you were a baseball catcher... I'd say 'oh great'".

"Well it's kind of the same thing," I said.

"Yeah she's on her knees a LOT," added my mom. Uhhh... thanks mom.

He still didn't say anything about not playing, he just kind of shrugged. I think he's kind of amused by me. But you know what? Fuck it. I'll get a good brace, get some extra padding with the knee guards I was planning on ordering anyway, and if it hurts, it fucking hurts, who cares. I can play through pain if it's "just pain". If something's wrong, I don't want to make it worse, but if it just hurts because that's how it's going to be now, then I can deal with that. When I go back in 2 weeks I'll talk to him some more about the details I sort of spaced out on. If I have to be more careful with it, I'll be more careful. Just get me on the ice, doc.

*cricket cricket*.... *cricket cricket....*

Awfully quiet in here. Even though it's been 12 days since I broke my knee, I've only missed one game so far. The Hawks were supposed to have a game a week ago, but it was cancelled because of a snowstorm, and our next game isn't until the 13th. There actually aren't a TON of games I'll be missing this month at all. But March is packed to the gills with 'em. That's when I'm really going to be antsy.

Actually I'm already starting to get antsy. I thought I'd be able to at least work my upper body during my convalescence, but I tried that yesterday and learned a big lesson in the kinetic chain of muscles. While all I did was sit in a chair and do some shoulder and back exercises with dumb bells and bands, I guess my quad was contracting a little bit, because afterwards my knee was hurting. And that's a bad sign, because as inconvenient as it's been to have this brace on, at least my knee hasn't actually been hurting.

So, cease and desist on all fitness activities until the brace comes off. Despite my whining about not wanting to get up early to work out, you have to know how much that is killing me. UGH. 17 more days until my x-ray... PLEASE, Hockey Gods, let it be healed by then!

I did have an interesting phone call that made my day though. At work, no less. I have lots of different responsibilities in my job, but one of them is to make collections calls. I'd been making calls to follow up on a payment for - literally - months, and we only recently got paid last week. I'd had an email back-and-forth with the person responsible for cutting the check, so when we received it, I made sure to email him and thank him, and let him know we got it. (Yeah. That's what I have to do. Thank someone who's paying us 6 months late. This is a screwed up industry.)

A few days after that I got a phone call from him. He said he was following up to see if I got the payment. For a second I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I reminded him that I'd emailed him and he rather unconvincingly laughed and said "ohhh yeah! Right, sorry about that!". But then I found out why he was really calling.

Him: So... I heard you play hockey?
Me: Yeah...
Him: I hear you're a goalie actually
Me (wondering where the hell this is going): Yep, I am.
Him: That's pretty cool. I play too, and I used to be a goalie, for about 15 years.
Me: Oh wow, really?

And we were off. Not only does he play, he plays at the same rink as I do. Turns out he plays in the Instructional league though, because he just started playing as a skater. He also attends all the clinics "religiously". I told him which league I played in, and explained about my knee, saying I'd definitely be hitting all the clinics as soon as I'm able to, to get back into game shape.

I thought it was really awesome to not only find another hockey player, but a goalie (albeit former) at that, AND someone who plays where I play. I did ask him why he stopped playing goal, and he said that after a concussion, neck injury, and torn hamstring all right in a row, he stopped playing for a few years. He missed it though, and decided to come back but skate out. At least he's a defenseman; as he put it, he's the only guy who can really skate backwards, so that's where they put him.

Good times. I told him I'd let him know when I'd be coming to clinics again and stop and say hi. Betcha we get paid on time from now on.

Goat Rodeo

Every year around this time, for the last 3 years, many of the "original" Hawks have taken part in what we lovingly refer to as the "Goat Rodeo on Ice". It is an event comprised of beer, a bunch of people who play hockey, some more beer, and a bunch of people who have either never played or haven't played in decades. And also some beer. It got its name from Senator, who during the first one, shook his head and observed "this is a complete goat rodeo".

Just as I can't stay away from my teams' games, there was no way I was going to miss this event. You might think I would want nothing to do with being at a rink right now, and in fact that was exactly how GoalieHusband was when he was injured. I have the complete opposite reaction: the need to hang out with and be with my teams is as strong as the need to play in the first place. Maybe it's a male/female thing. Besides, this was more of a social event than really a game- though it actually usually turns out to be quite a good game. So it was that GoalieHusband and I met up with the gang at the bar near the rink for some socializing before the main event. I wore my enormous goalie-cut Hawks jersey, even though it looked like a dress. This was the first time I'd seen the guys since I fell, and it felt good to just hang with them for a while. I got to catch up with one former team-mate who I haven't seen in a while and have been missing, and that was great too. But what really surprised me was actually being drafted for a team.

Inspired by the All Star festivities (and some beer), it was decided that the teams for the night would be chosen via draft. And of course, the two guys chosen as captains were two of the non-hockey playing guys, who didn't know a lot of us hockey-playing types. One captain, who I'll call Stretch, 'cause he's tall (so creative), has been at the previous events and so knows GoalieHusband and I from those occasions. I wasn't even really aware there was a draft going on, until I sat down to rest my leg and Stretch said "You're on my team". I told him he was in pretty bad shape then, since I wasn't playing. "I know," he said. "I drafted you anyway. You're our spiritual leader, I want you on our team".

This is a guy who I've met twice before. I was pretty stunned. He's a friend of one of the Hawks, a guy who along with Senator would be considered co-captain, if we had such designations. I looked at him, and he shrugged and said "I told him you weren't playing. He said he wanted you anyway, as cheerleader." "No, spiritual leader," Stretch interrupted. And with that, co-captain refilled my glass, as it was time for us all to drink up and get over to the rink.

I watched the whole game from the benches. Aside from Stretch's insistence that I be on his team, I did spend some time going back and forth. It's so strange. As a goalie, you see the whole game right there in front of you. You see plays develop, you see who's open, who's got a guy on him. But for some reason, from the bench, it looks different. The game is laid bare even more. I was fully involved the whole time, yelling out "man on", or encouragement, as if I was out there with them. For the most part, it wasn't too awful, in a mental sense. At one point I left to go to the bathroom, and stood behind one of the goalies for a bit. That was hard. That was really hard. But overall, it was an absolutely awesome evening, and I love that its become an annual tradition.

As it turns out, one of the goalies there that night will be my sub for the Hawks; he's going to play all of the games I'll miss. He's a good goalie, exciting to watch (has a bit more of an unorthodox style). We have a long layover between games for some reason and the next Hawks game isn't until February 13th. By then I'll be ONE WEEK away from my x-ray to see if the brace can come off. That's really not so horrible I guess. Maybe GoalieHusband is right and it will go a lot faster than I think it will.

The Long Road Ahead

"Next game is Wednesday night and it's a big one. I told Senator as long as nothing's broken/torn in my knee I'm playing."

I really, honestly thought I did nothing more than badly bruise my knee, maybe at the worst, strain something. But Dr. K sent me for an x-ray, and because of the time of day, I had to wait until Monday to get that done. By Monday I was sure I had done something dreadful to my MCL and knew an x-ray wasn't going to reveal anything in that regard, but I had to start there, so I went.

When I saw Dr. K later that afternoon for the results, he walked out of the reception area with a fax in his hand and said "Is broken". I figured he was kidding. "No, really. Is broken." I just stood there saying "Oh my god" and he made me sit down. I guess he didn't want me passing out and breaking anything else. He took me to his office and explained what would happen next; I would pick up my x-rays and bring them to an orthopedist, who would immobilize my leg and give me more information. Oh dear lord. I AM A GOALIE I CAN'T HAVE A FRACTURED KNEECAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was a little dumbfounded so for some reason the next thing I asked him was if I would be able to drive. It's my left knee, but I drive a stick shift. "Ohhh, you have to be fancy! You have to drive clutch!", and launched into a monologue about how the last time he'd driven a stick shift was 30 years ago in Europe... As distraught as I was, I got a kick out of his rambling story-telling, so I asked him where he was from. "Ukraine!" he said proudly. And proceeded to tell me for the next 15 minutes all about being a doctor in the Ukraine, and his personal philosophy on patient care. I almost forgot how upset I was. I could sit and listen to this guy's stories for hours. In fact I think I'll write a separate post about them later. Freakin' gold.

Off to the orthopedist I went. I'm thanking every God and all my lucky stars that a) my kneecap didn't actually break all the way through, which would have required surgery (and much longer recovery) to repair, and b) that they didn't put me in a damn plaster cast. I'm now sporting an incredibly fashionable black-with-scads-of-velcro brace that goes from just above my ankle to my upper thigh. And it's not the kind that bends. My leg has to stay completely straight for four weeks (minimum) to let the bone heal. I am only allowed to take the brace off to shower, or if I want to ice my knee- as long as my leg stays straight. No cheating.

You bet your ass I'm not going to cheat. I'm going to follow his instructions to the letter, because I want to be back on the ice as soon as is safe. I am absolutely devastated that I'll be off the ice for 4 weeks, but what's even worse than that is not knowing how long the rehab process is going to be. Clearly, after not using the muscles in my leg for 4 weeks, they're going to be weak and atrophied and I'm going to need physiotherapy. I swear on everything that's holy, if I have to get on a stationary bike every single day that is what I will do. I will do whatever it takes to build that muscle back up and get back on the ice.

This has seriously rocked my world right now. I know it could be worse, much much worse, and I'm sure in a few days I will be feeling much better. But today, I was absolutely miserable. And it's not just missing hockey I'm having a hard time with. I am a very active person. Hockey, yoga, training off the ice. I've put a good 10 weeks into Maria's Ultimate Goalie Training program and it is absolutely killing me that all that work is going to go to waste and I'm going to have to start all over again, not even from square one, but from an even weaker point than where I was when I started. The thought of losing all this muscle and all this work is driving me nuts. And I am a bendy flexy person. When I sit, I usually have a foot under me, or am even cross-legged (yes, even in a chair). None of that now. I'm going to lose not only all the strength I've gained, but all the flexibility I've worked so hard to achieve with this program.

My only solace is that it's "only" four weeks, and hopefully I won't lose THAT much muscle in that period of time. All I can picture is GoalieHusband's leg after his knee surgery and months in a brace; it was like the leg of a totally different person. Obviously it won't be that bad, because I won't be in the brace as long, but that's what haunts me. Also, since I am in pretty good shape, hopefully I'll bounce back quickly once I start rehabbing.

For now though, it's going to be lots of bench observation. I suppose I might even learn something. But I will be at every single Hawks and QCat game. As much as it will kill me to see someone else in "my net", I need to be around my teams. I'm even going to the drunken brouhaha known as the "Goat Rodeo On Ice" on Friday. I might not be able to play, but I can still have a good time with my buddies. And if I'm around all the time they can't forget whose net that really is out there. Hopefully.

The View From the Bench

Saturday morning I woke up to the reality that no, I was not going to be able to play on Sunday, and I should get to work with finding a sub. Fortunately, the first person I called was able to fill in.

Injured D-girl "Flipper" and I had planned to watch the game from the stands (with beer cleverly hidden in stainless steel water bottles haha). When Coach found out we were both scratches for the evening (he'd been away all week and wasn't aware of any of this drama) he told us to come to the bench for the game. So it was that I watched my team from the bench for the first time. Man, did that suck. Actually, it alternately sucked and was kind of cool. But I realized how tough it had been for GoalieHusband and #14 to be off the ice for as long as they had to be. I can't even imagine it and hope never to go through a lengthy rehab like that myself (hear that, Hockey Gods?).

While it was no fun not being out there with my girls, it was kind of cool to be involved, even if it was on the fringes, yelling my head off the entire time, and getting a feel for the ebb and flow of line changes and bench chatter. That's one thing I miss out on, being a goalie. I never get to be involved in the jawing on the bench, and that's one reason I was so adamant about changing with the team at the very beginning. If I'm not on the bench and not in the locker room, I might as well be a Mylec shooter tutor for as much as I'll be part of the team. Fortunately everyone's an adult and no one had/has a problem with my being in the room.

Whoops, tangent. Sorry. It ended up being a good game for me to miss, if I had to miss any. We won 7-0 and I think my sub saw maybe 5 shots. One interesting side-story of the game was the player carousel. The Captain had emailed us that she wouldn't be able to be there until the time the game started. We were short D to begin with, with Flipper out. So what a surprise when gionta182 came barging into the locker room with her gear. We all thought she had to work! She informed us that she did, and was only here for the first period (to cover for the Captain) because she was on the clock and no one knew she was gone. Now that's dedication! Gotta love it! And it worked out perfectly. The Captain was ready after the first period and gionta182 ran off back to work. I was texting score updates to her from the bench, but my fingers were so frozen I kept making typos and it probably looked like drunk texts on her end.

Also, I got to wear my real jersey for the first time. It's a 2XL, so it looks pretty ridiculous over just clothes. After the game when we were hanging out having beer and pizza with the other team (still can't get my head around that one, but when in Rome...) I stood up, modeled my jersey and asked Captain if she liked my dress. "Yeah," she said. "But why do you still have pants on?"

Ahhh, I love my girls. Haha.

Next game is Wednesday night and it's a big one. I told Senator as long as nothing's broken/torn in my knee I'm playing. I don't care how many painkillers I have to chug to get myself out there, I need to play against my D-girl's mens team. She told me I have to play, because she wants a chance to score on me. I told her just because I'm playing doesn't mean she's going to get that chance. She has to get through GoalieHusband first. BRING. IT. ON.

Victory, Overshadowed

I should have written about the Hawks' victory sooner. Now I'm sitting here with an ice pack on my knee and not feeling much like celebrating. But here goes:

After a day of loading up on water and as many carbs as I could find (including the apparent good luck charm: a Snickers bar), I had another double header on Wednesday. Practice at 10 with the girls, and game at 11 with the boys. If you read my last post, you know that if there was ever a time for a win, it was now, and fortunately, we got it. We had one of the old Hawks back, and I think that made a difference. As Senator put it in the locker room later, Guido is glue. (No that's not a blog name, that's what we really call him). I share Senator's view in that I don't think you can ever say one person makes or breaks a team. But when Guido and one of our two other higher skilled guys play, it's a totally different game. The game opens up more and the rest of the team can play the positional roles they're supposed to, because everyone is more where they are expecting each other to be. Guido also sees the game well and sets up plays; he's a great passer. As GoalieHusband has put it in the past, we're a great support team. We just need those 2 or 3 guys to support. I also think it has a lot to do with the fact that we just keep pushing and do not give up. We work hard and grind away and maybe it's finally starting to pay off.

The score was 5-3, but that seems totally irrelevant in the face of the fact that WE WON!!! I personally had a great game, with the exception of the first goal. I had a great look at the shot, but I guess my stick wasn't down when I dropped and it went through my knees. Yuck. But otherwise? I was kickin' ass and takin' names. Somehow, I seem to have grown balls. Maybe watching all MsConduct's footage of Barry Brust is rubbing off on me, but I was poke checking, aggressive and doing whatever the hell it took to keep the puck out of the net. There was a play right at the very end of the game, where I know at least one of my D saved my ass, but I also know I made about 3 saves in the scramble, including a barrel roll of some kind. When I finally snagged the puck to freeze it the ref said "Wow". I asked him if he liked my Hasek impression. ;)

I mentioned playing the puck. I saw you cringe, you know. But like I said, I was in my groove and being all ballsy. It was actually the same exact kind of play that got me in trouble a few games ago, but this time, I nailed it. The puck was coming back into the zone right down the middle, and one of my D was in pursuit with an opponent right on him. I went right out to get it, no hesitation, and he gave me the ever so slightest indication with one finger to put it over to his left, which I did fluidly and he went and got it. The bench cheered. Yes, my bench cheered me for successfully playing a puck. That cracked me up... but also made me feel really good. I'm glad they can see I'm making a little bit of progress.

The win also made it a little easier to think about ordering jerseys. If we want to stay in this league we have to all have matching ones, so Senator has been working on a mock-up of something that everyone can agree on. We're sticking with the obnoxious yellow, since no one else would dare wear it, but the design keeps the gold/blue theme going. I personally love it. I think the funky borders are slightly reminiscent of feathers/wings. I hope we get these suckers a lot faster than I got my QCat ones. Check it out:




Speaking of jerseys, my excitement to finally wear a "real" QCat jersey for a game will have to wait. I'm on the IR for tomorrow's game, a fact about which I am NOT HAPPY. Yesterday morning I slipped on ice in my driveway and fell forward and landed square on my left kneecap. Yes, I'm aware of the irony there. Perhaps I should just wear my skates all winter. My first thought as my knee smashed into the pavement was "NO NO NO NO I HAVE A GAME ON SUNDAY OH SHIT OH SHIT". I dragged myself into the car and called GoalieHusband right away, but calmed down after realizing I had not felt or heard a pop or crack. (My second instinct was to tweet it. God help me.) Grabbed an ice pack and some Aleve from the house, and made my way to work, where I ultimately wanted to hang a sign around my neck that said "NO I DID NOT GET HURT PLAYING HOCKEY, I FELL IN MY DRIVEWAY". It wasn't even any fun. Jeez. But limping around the office did at least get me several offers for painkillers. The real kind. I should have taken a few people up on that but I'm not really a pill-taker. I'll stick with my wine. (Though painkillers and wine... hmmmm.... lol)

I'm banking on the fact that the pain and inflexibility is a result of the swelling, and just keep icing it and have it wrapped. I decided to have it checked out today though, just in case, and was greatly amused by the Russian doctor who saw me. He walked into the room, took one look at me in my Ranger jersey, looked down at the chart and said "So... you get hurt skating with Rangers?" I wish! We had quite the conversation about hockey in general, but the best part was when I asked him how soon I could play and he said "You are goalie. You have good defense, you don't have to do anything." Ha! I like this guy. (Interestingly, his last name is the same as an NHLer. I got a kick out of that). The doc thinks it's probably just a contusion, but when he tried to straighten my leg and I yelped in pain, he decided perhaps an x-ray to make sure would be in order. I'll have that done on Monday morning. Which means I'm on the sidelines tomorrow. At least I won't be alone; one of my D sprained/partially tore a ligament in her ankle, so we'll at least have each other. I texted her this morning and told her she'll have company in the stands and we can cry in our beer together. But I'm still going to be wearing my jersey, dammit.

Lesson learned- the hard way

When I went to Goalie Coach Dude for my lesson several months ago, one of the things we worked on were something called "T-pushes"; a way to glide a longer distance than just a side-to-side shuffle. This involves pushing off with one foot and putting all your weight on the other as you glide to one side, and then quickly snap that foot forward, bringing yourself to a concise stop. One way to practice these is to completely lift your non-weightbearing foot off the ice, to hone your sense of balance, and skate and stop all on one leg, like a very awkward and confused flamingo. When the other goalie and I looked dubious, he encouraged us to try it. "Don't be afraid to fall," he said. "You have plenty of padding on." And fall I did. But I could instantly see the benefit. Not only would that exercise improve that particular technique, it would improve my balance as well.

Most of the time that I go to open hockey, it's very busy. However, now and then there will be an odd session with only enough people for 3-on-2 on one side of the ice, or just messing around taking shots, etc. During those sessions I usually go off to one side and work a little on my footwork, still trying to get to the comfort level on ice skates that I have on roller blades. This morning was one of those times; only 4 people beside me were there, with a 5th showing up about a half hour into it.

Normally, I'm a stickler for safety, especially with helmets. Watching one's husband get several concussions tends to do this to a person, but I'm also aware that head injuries are the kinds of things that can happen to anyone, no matter how good a skater, and can have life-altering consequences, unlike a sprained knee or wrist. Unfortunately for some reason during a water break I'd taken my glove, blocker and mask off and was still skating around on the ice. Even more unfortunately I decided that moment was a good one to try out the one-legged T-push exercise. The first one went off without a hitch. The second one... well, as my legs went out from under me I heard Goalie Coach Dude's voice in my head saying "Don't be afraid to fall.. you've got plenty of-" Uh oh. I landed on my butt and back and the momentum brought the back of my head down onto the ice with a hard, dull "thwack".

I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain and instant nausea and rolled over onto my stomach as Goalie Husband rushed off the bench to my side. He asked if I was ok and I said no, but managed to convey that relatively speaking yes, I was ok, and pulled myself up onto my knees to demonstrate. The nausea receded and my head hurt like hell but I didn't have any dizziness or other concussive symptoms, so I sat on the bench for a moment and relaxed before heading back out onto the ice. With my mask on. Not only was I an idiot for skating around without my mask, but I was really asking for trouble by attempting that particular exercise. I don't know what I was thinking. Obviously, I wasn't. Thankfully I wasn't hurt, but it knocked enough sense into me to know that I'll be wearing my mask anytime I step on the ice again. Take note, kids.

Rite of passage

Well if you read the article I linked to in my 2nd post, you know that injury is part of the game. I just didn't expect it to happen to me so quickly, though in retrospect it makes sense that I got hurt right out of the gate, not being used to all that activity.

In my overzealousness to make a desperation save, I dove to my left to cover a shot coming off a pass, and landed on my hand, with my arm stretched out. I felt something in my shoulder give, and felt a twinge of pain, but I just got back up and kept playing, figuring it would be like all the other twinges and in 20 minutes it would be gone. Unfortunately, as time wore on it became more and more difficult to lift my left (i.e., glove) hand at all. Eventually it was just hanging down by my side and I realized I was being an idiot by trying to ignore it. About the time that realization hit me, I also started to panic. So instead of waiting for a break in play, or calling a water break, I skated up to the first guy I saw (John) and started babbling that I was hurt, I tried to play through it, but I couldn't play anymore. John's another one of the guys who, like Mike, make us all better for playing against/with him. I don't think he quite knew what to do with me, because at that point I wasn't really familiar with the guys in the group and there I was babbling at him with tears in my eyes. But since there's no crying in hockey, I managed to keep the waterworks shut off as John brought me over to the bench.

I discovered if I sat and did nothing, it didn't hurt too badly, but the minute I tried to move my hand, something in my shoulder screamed in pain. I was very worried that it was something dreadful like a "rotator cuff"... you never want to hear those words in conjunction with a diagnosis. It didn't feel like a regular old muscle pull, because the pain felt like it was somewhere inside my shoulder. I decided to give it a day or so and see if it started feeling better.

By 11:00 a.m. the next day I realized I needed to get it looked at, I was just in a lot of pain. It turned out to be an inflamed tendon, and I was told to ice it several times a day. If it didn't improve in two weeks, I was to have an MRI. Wonderful. Here I was, all bubbling over with passion to play the game, and I was sidelined already. Being the internet nerd that I am, I sent an email to the goalie yahoo-group I belonged to, asking if anyone had had this type of injury and how long it took to heal. I got a few answers, which were helpful and encouraging, but about a week later I got an instant message from one of the guys on the list, asking how I was doing. We struck up a friendship instantly, and he became a "virtual goalie coach" of sorts, answering my millions of questions and giving me tips on everything from off-ice training to how to tell if a skater was going to pass or shoot.

My shoulder healed quickly and I was back at the rink no later than two weeks after it happened, but the best part was that I'd gained a pretty good friend out of the experience. He and his wife live in North Carolina, and it was right at the end of the 2006 playoffs that we started talking, so of course there was lots gloating going on when the 'Canes won the Cup.