With decision, comes relief

It's so strange. You'd think I'd know myself by now. You'd think I'd realize that when I fight and fight and fight against something, it's usually that thing that I need most to do/accept. Maybe my skull is as thick as my goalie mask and then some, but after a 12-5 shellacking, it finally sunk in: I do not belong in the league I'm playing in. Neither, quite frankly, does most of my team. So no, this is not going to be a "waaah I suck" post. Trust me, I've given this lots of thought.

A few weeks ago, on the way home from yet another double-digit loss, GoalieHusband hit the nail squarely on the head. We are playing against guys who have a hockey background, who played in high school and possibly in college, who certainly have a lot more experience and coaching than a bunch of passionate idiots who just took the sport up in their 30's, outside on the asphalt. (And I use "idiots" as a term of endearment here.) Because we are nothing if not passionate. And it is that passion, that I think has kept me from admitting to myself what the hockey gods have so desperately been trying to show me. We (GoalieHusband and I- I'm not speaking for the whole team here) need to move down a level.

I've fought against this so vehemently in my mind because the next level down is the Adult Instructional League (AIL), which is where we started when we first switched to ice. Talk about coming back with your tail between your legs. But in the years since we've been in that league, things have changed. It is an instructional league in name only. The league levels at this rink are ridiculously skewed. There are players from the QCats C team playing in the AIL. There are players with probably a lot more hockey experience than me playing in the AIL. Why? Because they have or know they would get smoked in the "Lower D" league. Yeah. The next level up isn't even called D. It's called Lower D. So, if the AIL is truly D, then the Lower D is really more like a C, which means the D level is probably a high C/almost B.

I hope I haven't lost too many people with that alphabet soup. It was my pride that made me balk at going "back down" to the AIL. When in fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that's where I belong - in its current incarnation. When I started this whole journey out, I just assumed that I'd start out a raw beginner and keep progressing and moving up. And I thought that's how everyone looked at it. Now that I'm in the thick of it, I realize it's not like that across the board. I realize that as competitive as I am, as passionately as I pursue this hobby, it has to also be about fun. And I'm not having fun anymore.

Like I said, I know I don't belong at this level, but I'm not shouldering the entire burden and beating myself up over it. I'm trying to be objective. Last night was just a microcosm. I started out playing great. Play was in our zone most of the time and yet we got out of the first period only down 2-0, and got a goal early in the 2nd. I continued playing well, but then everything fell apart. All of us. They scored 7 goals in the 2nd period, and it just got worse from there. I'd prefer to not rehash all of it. I do know that making matters worse was one guy playing down from the level above (he was even wearing his jersey from that team), a show-off guy who even when the score was 9-3 would take it end to end, flip it past me effortlessly, and gloat. Several times.

This is not fun. Losing every night, racking up 8, 9 now even 10 or 12 goals against, regardless of whose "fault" they are (as teammates try to assure me they are not all my "fault"), is not fun. Driving home week after week after games like that sucks. The next day sucks. I'm sick of it. I want it to be fun again, and I think it will be if I get back to where I belong. As I told a friend today, I don't give a shit what the league is called, I just want to have a chance at having a good time. I'm certainly not saying it's 100% about fun and winning doesn't matter- because it does. But losing that badly all the time just sucks.

Of course there's the little monster in the back of my head that whispers to me "You know, they beat that team 5-2 when your sub was in net...." I don't know what happened, but when I was out, the pieces fell together. The team was playing well. Maybe part of the pieces that fell together was having someone else in net. I really don't think he's all that much better than me but the facts speak for themselves. We have the same team now as we did when I was out and they did so well. The only thing different is me being back. I'm sick of feeling like I'm letting my team down.

So where does that leave things? I can't say for 100% certain but I don't think I'll be in this league after this season. And from some comments from some other guys after the game, I don't think GH and I will be the only ones. It sucks. I've loved this team. It's a great bunch. But I can't keep putting myself through this wringer. Whether it truly is just me, or whether it's everyone (with the exception of our 3 top guys), it doesn't matter. All I know is, I woke up today feeling a little bit lighter, and not cranky or brooding over the game, because I realized that I needed to make a change. And change sucks. I hate it. I can't even tell you how much I hate it. I'm going to miss these guys something fierce. But I think I have to do this.

Hockey isn't supposed to hurt this much, dammit.